What One Man Can Do, Another Can Do

2012-01-08T11:34:00.004-06:00

HAPPY NUDE YEAR!

Will 2012 be the year of the Apocalypse? We sure seem to be steam-rolling towards some horrible Inevitability, don't we? As a professional Worrier and pessimist, I want to encourage everyone to just get naked as much as possible in the upcoming year. If and when the world ends, I would like it to happen while I have my junk out. The odds are in my favor.

By the way, wanna see what I scored for Christmas from Ron this year? Behold:

Yep, He hit me with a Kindle Fire. It's much like an iPad2 without the feeling of getting raped.

I can check email, listen to music, play Words With Friends (the game that got Alec Baldwin in such trouble on that airplane - it's just Scrabble, which I LOVE playing), read books (I'm finishing up The Hunger Games trilogy), and watch X-tube on it. Ron plays Angry Birds. Freakin' hilarious. The only feature it doesn't have is a camera. No biggie to me. An iPad will cost you upwards of 600 bucks. This baby is a mere $200. MY kinda price-point.

2011-11-26T11:23:00.002-06:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Hope ya got stuffed!

2011-11-13T13:31:00.006-06:00

Sex Or Sandwiches

I think I've figured out why I'm not good at Morningsex.

I've known for decades now that Morningsex isn't my favorite time of day to be gettin' all sexed up, but I couldn't really put my finger on WHY. However, I think I've finally figured it out.

See, for me, the very reason to even get out of bed in the morning is to begin the adventure of How To Get Laid Today. This quest motivates me to properly bathe and groom myself, and even gets me to my place of employment, because I'm pretty sure homeless fat guys get sex less often than those who bring home a paycheck (NOT that we have to pay for sex...that is NOT what I'm saying!).

I think about sex all day, hoping that I'll score. It rules all thought processes. It gets me home from work each night, looking for signs from the my partner that I'm going to get lucky. Truth is, most times I want it, I get it. I'm really fortunate in that way. So, sometime that evening, like winning the lottery on a pretty dang regular basis, I hit the jackpot. And afterwards all happy and content, I fall asleep. And sleep is only to allow me to recharge so that I can begin my quest all over again in the morning and have my reason for crawling outta the womb/cacoon that is our bed. It's a beautiful thing, really.

But what happens if I get that sex as soon as I wake up in the morning? Sure, my back isn't as stiff after having been bent into a human pretzel, but why get out of bed after a satisfying orgasm? The fact is, the first thing I want to do after morningsex is TAKE A NAP.

I lose all motivation to get out into the world after I rope. Fuck work. Really. I just want to call in and report that I need a "Limp Day", cuz I am DONE! There's no need to get out of bed at all.

Well...except to eventually have lunch.

Yeah. If I'm not fantasizing about sex, I am fantasizing about sandwiches.

2011-09-18T11:36:00.004-05:00

Summer Reading

Earlier this summer, I was going to try and help my Dad's wife with a story she wrote a few years back. It is a love story set in Wyoming, around a family of ranchers. She wanted help embellishing the characters. I thought I would turn to a wonderful western epic for inspiration, so I pulled out "Lonesome Dove" and re-read it.

Man, I had forgotten what a monster this novel is. Beautiful, beautiful stuff! I thoroughly enjoyed going back to the cattle drive with Augustus and Call. If you have never read this book, I encourage you to pick it up.

Presently, I am knee-deep in a piece of literature that continues to be controversial and timely. I don't know why I never read any Ayn Rand (pronounced "Ine"- like "mine") before. Maybe because her writing style is so...dense? Intimidating?

Well, what with all that is going on in this country, both economically and politically, and since Ron and I saw the summer release of the independently produced movie of the first part of this novel, we picked up "Atlas Shrugged".

Dude, this is a chilling and mesmerizing cautionary tale that I think deserves to be read and pondered. At over 1200 pages, I'll be working on this until Christmas (I'm a slow reader because I have to move my lips as I read to sound out the big words). But, at 300+ pages into it, my head is spinning. It's just awesome that a novel written in the 1950's can feel so current and fresh.

I've mentioned this book to many of my liberal friends. They are AGHAST that I would waste my time on such crap. I'm stunned that they don't see the value in this work. I think it is remarkable (hence, I'm remarking on it. See how that works?).

2011-09-11T13:10:00.003-05:00

Central Texas Is Burning

BASTROP, Texas — Texas officials say the number of homes destroyed by a massive wildfire raging east of Austin has risen to 1,554. They also say 17 people are unaccounted for.

Bastrop County Sheriff Terry Pickering said Sunday the missing people could simply be out of town, but authorities have been unable to contact them.

County emergency management director Mike Fisher says the number of homes destroyed is expected to rise further as officials enter more areas where the fire has been extinguished.

The blaze in Bastrop erupted a week ago when blustering winds whipped up by Tropical Storm Lee blew over parched, drought-stricken Texas. The fire is the largest of more than 190 raging throughout the state.

A blaze has consumed more than 20,000 acres in a tri-county area north of Houston.

2011-09-10T12:44:00.005-05:00

Skydiving Update!

Okay, here's the deal:

We're not going to skydive on Ron's birthday in October. It's not because we aren't doing well on the weight loss, it's because I'm afraid of screwing up my back, more than it is presently screwed up.

See, back in July I had a mishap at the gym. I was in the shower/wet area of the lockerroom, and I slipped and fell hard on my back. I don't blame the gym, I certainly could have been more careful. Well, my back is STILL causing me problems. It feels like the vertebrae in my lower spine got all compressed. Sometimes I get a stabbing pain deep in my right buttcheek. I am going to the doctor on Monday to report back to my Primary Care Physician that I have not fully recovered from the fall. My guess is that he'll send me to a specialist, and I'll have a bunch of physical therapy in my future. Maybe even chiropractic. Who knows? ...I guess I will after my appointment on Monday...

The point is: I'm well into my 50's, still overweight, and dealing with some medical issues with my back. How could landing on my feet from a jump, even if all goes smoothly, not be a risky thing for my condition? I'm all for Adventure and Fun and How Freaking Cool Is This?!? but I'm not a dumb ass.

Ron totally understands and supports this decision. Fact is, he MIGHT be a little relieved that he doesn't have to go through with it... although I COULD suggest that since it is HIS birthday, after all, HE could still jump without me.

That'll never happen.

2011-08-20T12:27:00.003-05:00

Kittywood Studios!

Ron watches cat and dog videos on the internet all the time. If I hear him laughing in the computer room, I know he's surfing animal videos. Me?: uh, no dude. Your cute pet is about as interesting to me as your ugly baby.

BUT, don't be surprised if I upload a video or two of Shelley at some point. Yeah, I've become one of THOSE people that think THEIR pet is PERFECT.

God help me.

2011-08-10T17:24:00.005-05:00

Introducing Our Newest Family Member

Shelley

On Memorial Day Weekend, we adopted a cat. Ron has been asking for a pet for a year now and, although I consider myself a "dog person", I don't think it's fair to have a dog in a small townhouse that doesn't have a yard for a dog to protect and call their own. The compromise was getting a house cat.

The rules were simple: no kittens, had to be a rescue, and it had to be a fat cat. Our household is for chubby mammals only.

So, we found Shelley, after initially looking at another cat. I don't know, she looked at me like "yeah, whatever" and I was hooked.

And, surprisingly, I'm really not sorry about the decision.

Shelley cracks me up.

Shall I share a story? I think I shall.

On nights when Ron has to work, I'll be in bed around 10:30PM while he is showering and dressing. She's nowhere to be seen then, but shortly after he leaves the house and things have settled down, she'll jump up on the bed and "tuck me in" - which is really just a demand for attention (scratches and pets) - before I fall asleep. Any time she gets up on the bed, though, she is really noisy and loud. This cat is very vocal. It's like she's bitching that I haven't been petting her enough and just gives me Hell. However, she'll only take about five minutes of strokes, and then she jumps off the bed. She is done with me. I am dismissed, and she has important shit to do.

Later.

Sometimes I call out "You're WELCOME!" as I hear her bounding down the stairs, because you really get NO sense from her that she appreciates your consideration.

She usually doesn't get back in my face until about 6 or 7AM - when she wants attention again, and the bitching starts all over. She really IS a Diva.

So, last night Ron leaves at 10:50PM and by 11:05, she's up on the bed, instructing me on where she wants scratched. A lot of time is wasted as she tries to find the most comfortable place on the bed to lie. This is a nightly occurrence. There's a lot of circling and sniffing and almost-lying-down and popping back up that goes on. And, while this hunt goes on, I had BEST be scratching and petting, by God, and she's quick to remind me. Often times the perfect place is just beyond my arm's reach, which annoys her and makes her have to get back up and start the process all over again when I can't connect with her. She grumbles about it the entire time. So,finally last night, after the allotted five minutes of acceptable appreciation of her is complete, she bolts without even a "thank you", as per usual.

"Of course," I say to the empty room and I roll over to fall asleep.

At 11:20, Ron calls because he has forgotten some important paperwork that he needs. I get up, dress, and take the papers to him at the hotel. When I get home, I crawl back into bed but can't fall asleep right away, so I grab my phone and start playing a little game app on it to kill some time and make me sleepy.

Thirty minutes later I'm drowsy, so I turn off the phone, set it on the nightstand and tug on the comforter that I'm under, and roll over. At the instant that I tug and turn, I see Shelley, in the corner of my eye, being launched in the air at my feet with a startled "Meow!". Without me realizing it, she had quietly jumped back up onto the bed and snuggled at my feet on the top of the comforter while I played on my phone. Pulling on the blanket and turning at the same time had trampolined her into the air. While we were BOTH surprised, I reacted by bursting out laughing. She, on the other hand, was thoroughly pissed off. Seriously angry kitty. She didn't jump off the bed and run away, but instead marched up the bed towards me, put her little face up to mine and gave me an adamant "Rrrrarphhh!", which I figure means "What the FUCK?" in Cat. I swear to God, she was GLARING at me.

I apologized, sincerely and repeatedly, but she demanded ten extra minutes of "penalty attention", about which I did not argue. I figured it was only fair. She ended up on her back with her belly upwards, and her legs splayed out, while I rubbed and scratched her tummy. Ten minutes later, she rolled back upright, sneezed, stretched, and was done with me. She jumped off the bed and headed downstairs without even looking back.

Later.

I think I'm forgiven, but it's hard to tell...

2011-08-07T15:52:00.005-05:00

What I'm Listening To This Summer

Oh.My.God!

I fancy myself an audiophile. I like keeping up on what's out there and discovering new bands and fresh music.

Somehow or another I missed a BIGGIE.

Have you heard Elbow? They are British, they've been around for years, and they are adored in the U.K. Their sound is orchestral, dense, deep, and beautiful. I was only just introduced this summer. Proof I'm not NEARLY as hip as I think I am. Humbling, it is.

I'm going to post some clips now. They released a new album in March titled "Build a Rocket Boys!" Guy Garvey, the singer and lyricist, just blows my head off. Click on these, turn the sound up, and LISTEN!

Here's a clip that is a live version of a track off their last record "Seldom Seen Kid" that was recorded with the BBC Orchestra and the Chantage Choir. This is "One Day Like This":

And, lest you think these guy's can't ROCK, I'll post one more:

How refreshing is it to see a band that isn't a manufactured cliche?

Man, I LOVE these guys. I encourage you to search for more clips on YouTube (there are MANY) and maybe pick up a record. You know, BUY one.

2011-07-16T21:18:00.004-05:00

Hello, I'm Back and Here's A Little Of What's Going On

Ron and I are focusing on weightloss this summer.

I need to lose 25 pounds by October 20th so that we can skydive on his 40th birthday.

The skydiving place has a weight limit, and I need to shed the 25 to be eligible to intentionally jump out of a perfectly good airplane.

It's a weird motivation for weightloss. But, I'm into it.

I'm looking forward to crapping my jumpsuit at 5,ooo feet (or whatever the height will be), and screaming "MOTHERFUCKER!" into the ear of the poor professional who will be strapped to my ass as we fall in tandem.

If I live through this, it will be COOL!

2011-03-02T22:15:00.000-06:00

2011-02-18T01:46:00.002-06:00

The 2011 Grammys

If you are pissed off that Lady Gagme or Eminem didn't win "Album Of The Year" - or that the little freak who looks like Donny Osmond 40 years ago didn't win "Best New Artist" - or that you "never heard of them ever" when Arcade Fire won (that's what Rosie O'Donnell bitterly tweeted) - well, I have some news for you:

1. Lady Gaga can't make up for a lack of real talent just by increasing costume changes and encouraging gay people to be more gay.

2. Eminem's anger is schtick that is schtuck and worn out and stupid.

and

3. Justin Beiber is merely packaged product and once he hits puberty, his forehead is gonna break out into a BILLION zits, and he will probably be in rehab before he turns 20. The kid is a trainwreck waiting to happen.

I'm really annoyed that so many people are bitching about who won this year. Let's understand something. The Grammy's are not voted on by the public at large. The voters for this award, like the Oscars for movies, are people IN THE INDUSTRY. If YOU have never heard the music of someone who won, maybe that's a clue for you to open your fucking ears and your mind and venture past the crap that is top selling and investigate what else is out there that might JUST be some good shit as well.

Not everything is American Idol or an episode of Glee, fer Christ's sake.

By the way, if you are a fan of either of those shows: you suck.

2011-02-09T22:26:00.003-06:00

Stupor Bowl 2011

I didn't care who won or lost.
Pro football pisses me off. I'm a college football fan.

Christina Aguilera should be shot.

I enjoyed several of the commercials. The Snickers and Doritos were my faves, the latter was simply weird and disturbing, but I laughed. There's a big uproar about the commercial where the baby gets slammed into the glass wall and slides down. I, for one, loved it. It should be pointed out that I have no children of my own.

Half Time was a disaster.

In fact, they should change their name to "Black Eyed Penis", because I'd rather be socked in the cock than have to sit through that crap ever again.

2010-10-09T15:26:00.001-05:00

Cooking with jimmy!

A fast food favorite of mine...

2010-07-03T01:10:00.008-05:00

Cooking with Jimmy!

Today, we make a "jimmycity sandwich"!

First, you take a big chunka some Adam Richman (from 'Man vs. Food').

Then, a dollop of ME!

And then some Patton Oswalt (he's just a little thing, so he gets to be on top).

Delicious!

2010-02-23T08:50:00.003-06:00

Chicken vs Penguin

A young filmmaker in Austin recently on $100,000.00 smackeroos from Nikon for this little gem. I can't seem to embed the video in this post, you all I can offer is a link.

Enjoy!

2010-01-29T23:29:00.004-06:00

Sex News For The Retarded

Just because you have had your tits chopped off and you've grown facial hair, that doesn't make you a "man".

Sorry, sister. You have a womb. You are Woman.

So is your bearded wife, by the way.

Look, you are having a baby! Awesome! Giving Life is a miracle! Just shut the fuck up about what gender you think you are, okay?

Good grief.

2009-12-05T13:56:00.002-06:00

Holiday News!

'Elf' jailed over dynamite hoax on Ga. mall Santa

MORROW, Ga. — A man dressed as an elf is jailed after police in Georgia say he told a mall Santa that he was carrying dynamite.

Police say Southlake Mall in suburban Atlanta was evacuated but no explosives were found.

Morrow police arrested 45-year-old William C. Caldwell III, who was being held without bond Thursday in the Clayton County jail. He was not part of the mall's Christmas staff.
Police say Caldwell got in line Wednesday evening to have his picture taken with Santa Claus.
Police say when Caldwell reached the front of the line, he told Santa he had dynamite in his bag. Santa called mall security and Caldwell was arrested.

Caldwell faces several charges, including having hoax devices and making terroristic threats.

___
Information from: The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, http://www.ajc.com/

2009-11-22T08:14:00.002-06:00

Unusual Monuments: Russia

The Mashuk-Akva Term spa in the city of Zheleznovodsk southern Russia recently unveiled a particularly unusual monument. The Enema Monument is a nearly 800 pound bronze statue of a syringe held by three children. This area of the country, near the Caucasus Mountains, is known for its mineral springs, the water of which is used in enemas to treat digestive disorders as well as other ailments.

2009-10-18T13:10:00.000-05:00

Good Advice Can Come From Anywhere

Kim Cattrall Has Fallen on Hard Times
Tourist man to girlfriend, pulling out a ring: Will you marry me?
Bag lady, interjecting: Has he made you come yet?
Tourist girlfriend, terrified: Um... no?
Bad lady: Don't marry him 'till he makes you come.

--Central Park

Overheard by: Kari
via Overheard in New York, Oct 17, 2009

2009-10-09T22:28:00.000-05:00

Naked News!

Dallas police seek pudgy naked backyard dancer

Thu Oct 8, 3:30 pm ET

DALLAS – Dallas police are looking for a man who they said repeatedly sneaks into backyards, dances around naked and then runs away. Police believe the man has been exposing himself in the same neighborhood since 2005. The most recent incident was on Sept. 30.

Police said he usually climbs a fence or goes through a gate and either dances naked or jumps in a swimming pool naked. Police said he also has danced naked on top of a backyard air conditioning unit.

Police said they're looking for a pudgy man who is about 6 feet tall and covers his face while dancing.

Dallas Police Senior Cpl. Janice Crowther said police want to catch him before it escalates into something worse.

2009-09-26T16:16:00.003-05:00

DIRTY NEWS

Trucker flips his rig after masturbating while driving
Published: 24 Sep 09 14:24
CETOnline: http://www.thelocal.se/22272/20090924/

A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs crashed his vehicle near Borås in western Sweden on Tuesday. He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident.
The trucker, apparently unable to reach a satisfactory climax, then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation, according to the local Borås Tidning newspaper.

"He was masturbating while the police interrogated him," police prosecutor Åsa Askenbäck told the newspaper. "He has admitted that he was not paying full attention at the time of the accident. He was playing with himself instead of focusing on the road."

The truck driver was en route from Gothenburg to Borås at around 4am on Tuesday morning. The truck and trailer flipped over when he rammed his vehicle into the central division on route 40 south of Borås.The upturned vehicle blocked all traffic towards Gothenburg and one lane was closed in the direction of Borås.
The man remained in the vehicle with his hands apparently still clasped around his own gear stick and was subsequently arrested for reckless driving and driving while under the influence of drugs.
The suspicions against the man have now been extended to sexual molestation. The German trucker, who is in his thirties, has admitted all of the charges directed against him.

TT/The Local (news@thelocal.se/08 656 6518)

2009-08-23T11:42:00.001-05:00

Shhhhhh!

wanna hear a secret?

okay.

I've got a boyfriend!

(I'm as stunned as you are.)

2009-01-08T23:13:00.004-06:00

College Football Humor
well, for a University of Texas fan, anyway...

Q: What do the Oklahoma Sooners and marijuana have in common?

A: They both get smoked in Bowls.

2008-12-31T14:44:00.005-06:00

New Year's Resolution

If yours is nothing more than promising not to vomit on someone tonight, it's all good.

Be careful out there, kids. And, between you and me, stop with the diaper, okay? Jesus.

2008-12-26T11:19:00.000-06:00

Family

family family family family

seriously.

oh my god.

2008-12-16T23:36:00.004-06:00

Sometimes The Best Thing On TV Is The Commercials

Here are three I am enjoying:

Game Stop

Arby's

Coke/Walmart

This last one might be too gooey, but I gotta tell you, as a guy who appreciates a little ditty done well, this is a sweet 30 second Holiday spot!

2008-12-09T21:49:00.002-06:00

Completely Inappropriate

So, if Dan White had MARRIED Harvey Milk - instead of MURDERING him - he could have been Dan White-Milk, right?

2008-12-09T20:56:00.003-06:00

Meet Lily!

A coworker's finest achievement, without a doubt! Please notice that the girl already possesses more raw talent than most American Dildo contestants.

I love that she already grasps the concept of "The Big Finish!"

Gay Travel Destinations

2008-12-05T01:49:00.011-06:00

Sunday MopUp 12/06/08

The wind be blowin' in Texas, ya'll! I like it! Welcome to my weekly feeble attempt at sharing the cummings and goings of my world. I call it my "Mop Up", cuz it can get a little messy.

Leather Daddy

I have been out twice since Thanksgiving with a guy that I would label a "Leather Daddy". He is older than me by about 15 years or so. He is hypermasculine and aggressive and I am WAY outta my league with this guy. I have no idea what I'm doing when we get together. But, he sure seems to.

He looks like the LoveChild of Mr. Clean and Wilford Brimley. Shaved head, solid white goatee. Rides a Harley-Davidson. COMPLETE gentleman, when he speaks. But he doesn't talk much. More of a man of action, if you follow me...
[swoon]

I'm not sure he'll ever call back. I may have not been hardcore enough for him. It's okay. We went out twice and each time it ended up at his place and both times I ended up running away afterwards. Well, I didn't RUN run, but i sure skidattled pretty quickly. He was just SO intense. I freaked, okay? I'll spare you the details.

Anyways...I'm still learning who I am and what I want and what I like and what is important to me.

I guess I'm not a "BoyToy". At 50, I'm cool with that.

DQ

I called DQ last week and it was great to talk with him again. He tells me that he hasn't dressed up since July and, with the one exception of some "farewell show" coming up in January, is hanging his heels up for good. I wonder if that's possible...

He said some really sweet things to me, like that I opened his eyes to seeing that being a guy is a good and fun thing, and that he misses me, and that he learned some things about himself while we were dating. We agreed to keep in closer contact and I suspect I will be seeing him again soon. The sexual chemistry between us was real and good and worth a re-visit. I'm still not convinced that, besides the sex, we have much in common. But, we'll see...

Scared Of Santa

'Tis the season to freak out the little ones! For what it's worth, I'd be terrified to sit in the laps of some of these fucks, too! Click the pic to go to the site for more Horror.

Oh, One More Thing!

Fee Feasible Prophecies makes me laugh nearly every day!

2008-12-05T01:40:00.002-06:00

Prop 8 - The Musical

Have you seen it? Wanna? Clicky.

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

2008-11-30T14:26:00.005-06:00

Sunday Mop Up 11/30/08

Did you survive the holiday? Are you feeling bloated and groggy from all the artery-clogging gravies, starches, and fat that you consumed over the weekend? Did you kill a relative, or fantasize about the act at any point? Did you go out and brave Black Friday with all the others, bound and determined to make your Christmas budget go as far as you can?

Me? Nope. And to tell you the truth, I kinda felt left out. Welcome to my Sunday Mop Up, made with homemade stock and slow-cooked for extra flavor!

The Time Off That Management Forgot

I have vacation time to burn before the end of the year, and I was scheduled to take Friday, the 21st through tomorrow, Dec. 1st off. I had to go in on that Friday, Monday, and yesterday due to sports events that were dropped into my department's lap at the last minute. Seems that upper-management, even in the CABLE TV industry, thinks that tv just magically "happens". Fact of the matter is, everyone is so skittish and anxious about the security of their jobs, that most of us are more than happy to jump in to prove our worth and hope that the bean counters notice and appreciate us. Naive, I know.

Now, to figure out whether I will be able to take my Christmas vacation off, and not fail to meet the expectations of The Suits. I am presently scheduled to be off from Dec 19th through January 5th. I'm nervous as a cat about it.

Fat Ass Update

I've only dropped one freaking pound in the past two and a half weeks. I refuse to worry about this, because I am slogging away at the gym, more dedicated and productive than I have ever been. My trainer points out that I'm building muscle, which will affect the number on the scale. This I know.

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall

On an impulse, I buzzed my noggin to a prickly nub. The hair on my balding head is now only as long as the full beard I have grown out. We're talking Clipper Attachment 2, people. I thought it would be fun, and practical, to keep things Super Short for a bit. Seemed jock-ish. Well, my scalp is SO balding, that I truely look like a hairy pineapple. It's frightening. Some guys look SO hot and butch all buzzed up. I ain't one of them. You've got to have a square head to pull this look off. I am Zippy, The Pinhead.

I don't regret the attempt. It makes me laugh, and I am bound and determined to figure out who I am and what is important to me.

Just to add to the Self Torture, I am now slathering Rogaine up top, and Grecian Formula all over the beard. I smell like a Beauty Shop On Acid when I start to sweat on the treadmill. I doubt I will keep this up, but I want to feel younger as I am barreling towards my 50th birthday at the end of December. Too little, too late? No shit.

Christmas Is Coming!

Sent to me (and the whole family, in fact) by my deaf sister, Lisa. Is it any wonder that I became the man I am when you factor in the sense of humor of my family?

Actually, this is an animated .gif that ejaculates snowballs, but I can't seem to get Blogger to accept and post it. Huh. I wonder why? Well, maybe it's best this way. You get the idea.

2008-11-25T11:17:00.001-06:00

News You Can Use!

Police arrest suspect vandal who allegedly left his greasy, graphic imprints around Neb. town
Associated Press

OMAHA, Neb. - Police have arrested a man suspected of leaving greasy, graphic imprints on the windows of stores, churches and schools in a small Nebraska town. A 35-year-old man was caught in the act by police early Wednesday morning, Cherry County Attorney Eric Scott said Friday. The man hasn't been charged yet, but authorities believe he is the vandal some townsfolk have dubbed the "Butt Bandit."

Beginning in spring of 2007, a mystery vandal visited businesses at night, pressing his naked behind — sometimes his groin, sometimes both — on windows. The marks were made with lotion or petroleum jelly, and while police had earlier worried copycat criminals were getting involved, Scott said they now believe it's "the act of a lone deviant."
"This isn't normal behavior for Valentine, Neb.," Scott said. "It's an embarrassment for the hardworking people who live here."

The man was spotted by police about 3:30 a.m. Wednesday and arrested without incident, Scott said. The suspect appears to be the same man caught on a surveillance camera at the middle school last year, he said.

Valentine, a town of about 2,650 in remote north-central Nebraska, lies near the scenic Niobrara River. The city was named one of the top "wilderness" towns in the country last year by National Geographic Adventure magazine.

People from around the country send Valentine's Day cards to the city's post office so they can be mailed out with the word "Valentine" stamped on them.

The past two summers, the bandit struck business after business, window after window.

He stopped over the fall and winter.

During one particularly brazen session, virtually all the windows at a local hotel were imprinted.

2008-11-23T14:17:00.003-06:00

Sunday Mop Up 11/23/08

It's chilly in Texas. I like it. It's Sunday in Texas. I like that, too. It's time for my Sunday Mop Up. Meh.

My Favorite Holiday Of The Year!

I know, I've said it over and over, but MAN I love me some Thanksgiving! What a great concept: take a day to think about your Life and all the blessings you have in it. Shut up for a little bit and bask in Gratitude and Thankfullness (is that a word?) and Humility.

The important part is to go inward and reflect on all that you have been given. Tell people that you love that you love them. Acknowledge those who put up with your bullshit on a regular basis. You DO know that you can be a pain in the ass, right? Trust.

People always assume that I love Thanksgiving because I'm a fat guy and food is all over the place on that day. Wrong. I swear to God that it aint about the food.

For those of you who check in on me here, I'd like to thank you, as well. I feel very blessed that anyone would take the time to follow along. I am quite fond of many of you. I hope your Thanksgiving is meaningful, relaxing, safe, and full of joy.

A Special Thanksgiving Message From Sarah Palin

In the event there might be two or three people in the country who haven't seen this yet, I feel compelled to share it. Let me give you some context:

Palin was invited this year to do the annual "Pardoning Of The Turkey" in Alaska. Probably a state event similar to the thing the Prez of the United States does every year, right?

Well, she goes, pardons the dang turkey, and then gets interviewed by a local news station. She talks about the presidential campaign, and what her plans for Thanksgiving will be - all while standing in front of a Turkey Slaughter Contraption while some very creepy Turkey Slaughter Technician, in blood-splattered pants, is killing turkeys directly behind her.

It's so amazingly ironic and stupid, or arrogant, that I can barely believe it wasn't a set-up. Please, judge for yourself:

Her moment as a viable political candidate on the national scene is as dead at the poor turkeys behind her. This thing may play in Alaska, but most of us are, surely, disgusted.

2008-11-19T00:43:00.001-06:00

~~Sunday Mop Up 11/16/08~~

No.

2008-11-09T12:43:00.005-06:00

Sunday Mop Up 11/09/08

Today is just a "Blow And Go". Sorry.

An Actress I Would Switch Teams For:

Elizabeth Banks

I saw Role Models this weekend. Paul Rudd is a funny damned guy. I always want to not like him in stuff, and I always get won over by him. Elizabeth Banks plays his girlfriend. She's in EVERYTHING nowadays. She was Laura Bush in "W". She was Miri in "Zack and Miri Make A Porno". She was on "Scrubs" for a while there. Chick is the new Michael Caine or something. She is in EVERYTHING.

So, back when I was a Breeder, I had a thing for blonde women. No idea why. What is weird is that blonde guys do ZILCH for me. I'd take a hairy redhead or brunette guy over a blonde ANY day. But women? Me likey the blondes.

I'm gonna see "Zack and Miri" next, cuz, you know, Seth Rogan is my babydaddy and now that I pledge my Allegiance to Elizabeth Banks, I can see it and have a hot bisexual fantasy which I will call "Seth and Elizabeth and jimmycity Make A Sex-Sammich"!

Fat Ass Update

I'm still about a pound or so away from hitting my Magic Number so that I can climb onto the scale at the gym and weigh myself. Rather than beat myself up about how slow this is going, I prefer to remind myself that by working out with a trainer, I am building some muscle mass which is cutting into the numbers on my fat loss.

It's cool; I'm dealing.

2008-11-03T22:32:00.004-06:00

I Will Never Complain About My Job Again!

In comparison, I've got it easy!

2008-11-02T13:14:00.004-06:00

Sunday MopUp 11/02/08

I got an extra hour of sleep last night? Are you kidding? Why am I so drag-ass today, then? This is my week ending post I call my Mop Up, because my life could use a good swabbing on a regular basis.

I Voted Early

on Friday. So, why don't I feel good about it? Maybe because I don't buy a thing these puppets are slinging. Maybe because I am disgusted with the process. Maybe because I'm tired and scared and don't see any real leadership or ideas out there.

Look, before we can correct our problems, I believe we need three things to happen:

1. Term Limits on Congress

These fuckers are the real issue, people. Career bureaucrats who make laws that the rest of us must abide. "Public Servants" my ass!

2. Line Item Veto for the President

Want to stop the pork barrel projects and trim governmental spending? Give the President the ability to cut the crap out with a stroke of a pen.

3. Kill All Lobbyists

Feed their remains to the Homeless? Just an idea...

I'll be glad when this horrendous election is over.

jimmycity Goes To A Concert

Saw TV On The Radio on Thursday. Some kid standing next to me passed me a joint. I took a few puffs. First time I've been high in about 8 years. Freaked me OUT! I spent how many decades stoned and in this condition? Good grief! I'm done getting high, people. I'm dangerous enough sober, thank you very much. I need the few braincells I have left.

I think I drove home going about 25 miles an hour on the freeway. It'll never happen again.

The band was great, by the way. I think I have a crush on the bearded guitarist/singer in the band. He was shy, soft-spoken, chunky, and...bearded!

Christmas Shopping

Look, I'm not the kind of fag that enjoys shopping. In fact, Christmas shopping is about the most unpleasant experience I ever have. But, this year, I've known what I want to get my family for their gifts. And on Friday, I found a mailer advertising a very special sale on Saturday at Kohl's where these things would be available.

I'm giving everyone digital picture frames. The family will go ape shit over them, I'm fairly sure. But the things aint cheap. I had them priced between 80 - 200 bucks. Well, this sale offered an off-brand for $59.99. I was there Saturday morning.

Well, then I find out that if I apply for a store credit card, they will knock 15% off the sale price. If I get ACCEPTED, they will knock another 15% off. So, kiddies, I bought 5 of them and spent $217.00!

And I'm so excited about the deal, if there were ANY doubts about my sexuality, it is pretty apparent now. Gay guys love a good bargain, ya know.

Fat Ass Update

I'm working out on Thursday, my trainer in front of me, as I am squeezing a puny amount of weight on some torture contraption, when I notice that he keeps pushing on his belly around the waistline of his shorts.

"Daniel?" I ask. "Do you have a hernia?"

"Ummm..yeah. But it don't hurt or nothing," was the reply.

So, I go into a long tirade about how dangerous one can be. I point out that every time I see him, he is doing crunches, or straining and sweating and grunting. I suggest he think about going easy on provoking it with excessive strain. He looks at me like I've lost my mind. Hey, I'm a fat guy. What could I know? I leave it alone and focus on my workout.

Later, in the shower, I think about the fact that this is a kid who I have hired to help, coach, and protect ME from injury, and he doesn't have a clue about what he is doing to himself. I vow to continue on with him, because my workouts are, in comparison, pretty freaking light. But I have vowed to consider what he suggests for me carefully, as I progress. I am NOT going to hurt myself, damn it!

Then, while soaping up, I broke into a little song (sung to the tune of "Centerfold" by J. Geils Band):

He's got a bulge
But not the kind that I indulge!
My Trainer has a hernia
-Trainer has a hernia
(na na nana na na
na na na nana nana na na!)

[Late Edition Addition: I just got home from running some errands where I found gasoline for $1.999 a gallon! I was so thrilled that I filled up and considered sticking the pump nozzle up my ass just to stash an extra gallon or two. Don't worry; I didn't.]

2008-10-29T22:19:00.001-05:00

Digital Transmission Is Coming!

And, we're here to help you through it!

2008-10-26T08:42:00.010-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 10/26/08

It's early. I am up to check to make sure the football games we captured and published to the VOD channels last night made it to air this morning.They did, and now I am wide awake. So, I made some coffee and a bowl of oatmeal and I thought I'd catch you up on the silly shit that makes up my Life. I call it my Sunday MopUp, and it goes like this:

Getting Into Hot Water

I own a townhouse that was built in 1969. Much of the place still has the original equipment from back then. This includes my electric hot water heater. Now, that is an unusually long ass life for a water heater, and I have been aware that it is on its last legs for several years now. I've procrastinated about getting a new one forever, it seems.

A few years ago, The X and I noticed a serious decrease in the hot water pressure in the upstairs shower. Being the mechanically inept homos that we were, we called a plumber and a guy came out, surveyed the situation, and informed us that the water heater was so old that it was passing chunks of calcification through the hot water line, and these chunks were causing blockages at the diverter in the shower. We just nodded like we knew what the fuck he was talking about while fantasizing about whether the guy was going to bend over at some point to reveal his hairy crack. Hey, you spend that kinda money on a service call, you expect a little show.

He went out to the water main, somewhere behind our unit, shut down the water, disassembled the shower, showed us a couple of chunks of funk within the diverter, put the whole thing back together, and charged me about a hundred bucks without ever revealing any glimpse of ass. Oh, well. When we cranked on the water in the bathroom, we were back in business. Hotness returned.

The lesson was: a new water heater needed to be bought and installed, for this would surely happen again.

That was about six years ago, I guess. Did I do anything about replacing the heater? Umm...are you serious? Don't you know me well enough by now to know better than to wonder such things?

So, last week I crawl into the shower to start my day, and the hot water pressure is limp and flaccid again. Oh, great. I'm standing naked under my rain shower head, with lukewarm dribbles and drools (from the SHOWER, not me!) streaming down my chest and I realize what is going on. I curse myself for not dealing with this since the last time, and switch the diverter to Cold and take a cold shower, since the water pressure with the cold line is absolutely fine. I dance like an epileptic marionette while hosing down, lathering up, rinsing off, and shampooing.

Now, I'm days away from my next paycheck, so I think about what action to take here. Call a plumber again to clean out the line, try to clean the line out myself, or bite the bullet and finally buy the water heater that I KNOW I need? Dropping a hundred bucks on a plumber (with or without a furry butt) seemed like a waste, I CERTAINLY don't have the skills to fix this myself, and I have known all along that I needed replace the ancient contraption. I decide to wait until payday and then buy a new one.

I take cold morning showers for about a week. The friggin' HORROR! The only thing that saved me was my daily trip to the gym, where each workout was followed up with a HOT, LUXURIOUS shower in the locker room. Thank God for those. It really helped motivate me to go to the gym during that time period.

So, Friday at work, I look at Home Depot's website and find an electric water heater for $388.00 and a mention of installation services. Not a word about the cost of such installation. So, I call the 800 number and talk to a Little Thing who walks me through the process. Turns out, I am promised a replacement heater, INSTALLED ON A SATURDAY, for $663.00. Jesus, that is some serious cabbage in my world, but I cannot stand the thought of another morning of my penis retracting into my abdomen as I stand under a cold shower yet again. So, I agree to the deal, give her my credit card information, and am told that I should expect a phone call from the Install Dude by 10:30AM the next morning.

Saturday morning it is pushing 11AM and there has been no phone call. I have the phone number of the company that is to do the work, and all I get is a voice message stating that no one is there to answer the phone, please leave a message and blah-blah blah. I left a message, all right. I stated that I was promised a new water heater TODAY and I expect a call back asap. I then call Home Depot and another Little Thing puts me on hold while she calls the installation people. She comes back on the line to inform me that the company contracted out to do such things is closed on the weekend, and I will have to wait until Monday to get the water heater.

[Cue me going ballistic]

Chickiepoo apologizes and offers me a 50 dollar Home Depot gift card for my inconvenience. I state, emphatically, that 50 bucks isn't gonna cut it. I'm having visions of my shrivelled genitals lodged somewhere in my chest for two more days. I bark that I need to cancel the order, because I have to find another solution to my issue immediately.

She puts me on hold and comes back, stating that her supervisor has agreed to trim 10% off the package price, along with that fifty dollar gift card, if I can just hang on until Monday. The adjustment puts the installed tank to under $600 dollars now. I breathe deeply, tell myself that I can shower at the gym the rest of the weekend, and agree to the deal. She takes my credit card info from me again, credits me for 10% of the price, and we hang up. I immediately begin packing up for the gym.

Within fifteen minutes I get another phone call. This time it's from the contracted installation company. Installer Dude is calling to tell me that he can be at my place in an hour. I tell him that the store told me that I couldn't get the job done until Monday. He laughed and said that Home Depot has their head up their ass. I told him to come on over, and I'm giddy now that a hot shower in my house today is close to becoming a reality.

By the way, did I call Home Depot back and inform them that I was getting the work done on that day after all? Did I offer them their 10% back? C'mon now...

His name was Will, and he was a big, burly, hairy-assed (I'd bet) guy who had a little sidekick named Brandon in tow. He took one look at the old tank and pulled out his clipboard.

"We have some problems", he stated.

Seems the City of Austin requires a permit to do such work. A permit which, by law, he must follow in order to keep his company out of trouble. He showed me the permit. We went item-by-item through it. See, my old heater was installed so long ago, it wasn't up to code in a shitload of ways. Here were the additional steps, and costs, needed in order for jimmycity to have hot water once again:

1. Installation of time clock for water heater: $375.00
2. Water heater drain pan installed to Code: $124.00
3. Temperature and pressure relief valves: $65.00
4. Vacuum breaker installed on bibb hoses: $50.00
5 Smoke Alarm installed, tested, working: $45.00

$659.00 Total

Adding that figure to the cost of purchase and installation of the new tank took my cost to nearly $1250.00

[Cue me beginning to froth at the mouth as my blood pressure spikes]

Look, this wasn't Hairy-Assed-I-Bet Will's fault. This was a requirement of the City. The reason, by the way, that the time clock was so expensive, was that an electrician would need to come out and wire an electrical outlet, cuz, like, I didn't have one there.

When I was able to breathe again, I explained that I didn't have the budget to make this happen. He nodded and assured me that he would feel the same way. He suggested I find an independent person, like a buddy or something, to help me do it myself. Yeah, right.

The fact is, I could try to talk my video tech at work into taking this on as a project. I could pay him cash for his effort. He knows electric and plumbing. Hell, he BUILT his own house 20 years ago. I could work alongside him, we could hit the Plumbing Supply Store (where Hairy-Assed-I-Bet Will said I could probably find a water heater for $250.00) and probably get the whole thing up to code for HALF of what this guy wanted to charge me

I sent him on his way, called Home Depot and canceled the installation scheduled for Monday (heh!)and got the final Little Thing to credit the cost of everything back to my credit card.

I was back at Square One. Still with no hot water in the shower. Okay. Now, I needed to find a plumber on a Saturday to cut the water off and unclog my shower lines, or I would have to try to fix it myself.

What the fuck? I decided I would try to unclog the line myself. You can do this, Jim!

I found the water main. I had never seen it before. It was under a manhole cover back behind the townhouse unit, along a fence line, on a street between two tiny trees and some bushes. Once I got the cover off (no small feat in and of itself), I used a BigAss wrench to torque the rusted valve to the "Off" position. I was bent over, supporting myself again one of the small trees. I think I killed that fucker by the time I was done. I KNOW I wrenched my back in the process.

Once the water was off, I went upstairs into the bathroom and began taking the shower apart. At least fifteen pieces of shit to remove and account for, and try to remember the position they were in as well as the order in which they were removed, so I could put the bitch back together when I was done. I was swearing like a sailor. More cuss words than I use here. No kidding! Hard to believe, I know...

When I pulled the diverter out, a chuck of calcified crud fell out of the back of it. That was the problem! I checked for more stuff, found some, cleaned it out, and began the process of putting the shower back together.

What took me 10 minutes to take apart took nearly an hour to put back together. Rubik's Motherfucking Cube. No lie.

But, when I was done, I went back to the water main, grunted like a gorilla while trying to get the rusty valve open again, closed up the manhole cover (say it with me..."manhole"...yeah, that's right!), and trooped back up to the bathroom and turned on the water.

Sweet, sweet hot water poured down upon me with full pressure. Testosterone coursed through my veins. I raised my arms in Victory, sniffed my sweat-soaked armpits and rejoiced in my Manliness and Butchness. Jesus, I really needed a shower! But now, I could take one.

And, take one I did.

Some Stuff Some Friends Sent:

One Small Leap

It's July 21st, 1969, and Neil Armstrong has just taken a giant leap for mankind. In Muskogee, Oklahoma, one man is turning back the evolutionary clock.

iPodBear

I have a friend Up North who is quite good at graphic design. He sent me the following:

And, finally, since Halloween approacheth, he sent me the a really cool graphic for a Halloween card he put out this year. I meant to save it for this week and share it with you all, but managed to forget to stash the pic, and it has fallen out of my email. Damn it!

I've stated before that I hate Halloween. In MY mind, it's a kid's holiday that adults use as an excuse to get shitfaced, drive drunk, and puke around town. But those are just MY prejudices. If you love Halloween, I hope you have fun. In any case, have a safe holiday!

2008-10-19T08:08:00.006-05:00

Sunday MopUp 10/19/08

It's the buttcrack of dawn and there is a chill to the air. I had to get up early to check the cable system and see if a high school football game correctly published to a VOD channel and, so, I'm grumpy. The coffee will help shortly. But, welcome to what I call my "Sunday Mop Up", where God and I review the past week here in jimmycity and, together, we try to figure out who is to blame for what. I rarely point an accusing finger.

Jury Duty

I got there by 8:30AM, and sat around until nearly 9:15. Made me furious. I had to drive clear to the other end of town in morning rush hour traffic to be there on time. How do people contend with this shit on a daily basis?

There were 17 of us, and all they needed was 6 jurors. We were impaneled and interviewed for those slots. I noticed that people who volunteered information about themselves got paid a lot of attention. I figured this attention meant that they were going to be noticed and chosen as jurors. So, I kept my mouth shut. No one asked me anything directly, and I kept all opinions to myself. The case going to trial was for a black guy who was clocked going 81mph in a 65 mph zone. He was defending himself, so he was allowed to interview prospective jurors as well. One of his questions to us was "Does anyone know what 'DWB' means?" We must have looked dumbstruck, because he told us. 'DWB' meant "Driving While Black". In other words, this guy was accusing the police of profiling him because of his race.

I didn't want ANYTHING to do with THIS trial! So, I kept quiet.

After ten minutes of questions from both the prosecutor and the defendant, we were asked to leave the courtroom while jurors were determined. It was 10AM, and I figured I would be out of there within 30 minutes. When we were called back, they read the names of the jurors. They called my name. I was selected. Fuck!

I was asked to take a seat in the juror's box, along with five others. Everyone else was excused, and the six of us were given our instructions. We were to listen to the case, go back to a little room and determine who the Foreman was going to be among us, and then had to come to a UNANIMOUS decision about the case and, if guilty, determine the fine the defendant was to pay.

Before we heard the chronology of what happened, we were schooled on how a Doppler II radar unit works. The thing gets checked and tuned and tested daily by the Officer. It had been tested that very day, and was working properly. Turns out, you use tuning forks to calibrate radar guns. Huh! Who knew?

The six of us listened to the hoo-ha. 8PM on May 31st, an Officer in an unmarked patrol car was driving 65 in the right hand lane of a long stretch of highway. Suddenly, a BMW SUV blows past him in the center lane. The Officer hits a switch and turns on his radar, which clocks the SUV at 81mph. The Officer turns his lights on, pursues and pulls over the car. The driver was not argumentative or disagreeable and signs the ticket.

Now, the ticket is brought into evidence. The Officer had mistakenly marked the driver as being Asian, then crossed through that and marked African. Also brought into evidence is the report. The Officer states in it that he was driving and saw the suspect drive past him, speeding. The black guy claimed that if the Officer really HAD seen him, he would have known that he was black, not Asian. Clearly, argued the defendant, the Officer had clocked someone else.

The Officer admits that he made a mistake in checking "Asian", but corrected it on the spot. The Officer says that when, in his report, he states he saw the suspect speed past, he meant he saw the CAR speed past, not the individual in the car. The Officer explains that at no point did he ever take his eyes off the speeding vehicle, so there was no way he had used the radar on another vehicle. - It didn't help matters that, as the prosecution was laying out the case for us, the lawyer for The State referred to the car as being a "black BMW". For that matter, the Officer referred to it as a "black BMW" as well. The defendant points out that his SUV is, in fact, GRAY!

[gasp!] [insert an eyeroll from me here]

The prosecution apologizes and reminds us all that the TICKET clearly states that the color of the car in question was GRAY, it was a slip of the tongue and should not be a problem for the jury. After all, these lawyers see case after case, day after day. Is it any wonder that they can keep any of these details straight?

The defendant seemed pretty certain that these details bring the whole "beyond a reasonable doubt" rule into play. How could we, as a jury, be sure that the speeding car in question was his, when the Officer got his ethnicity wrong, and now The State and the Officer can't seem to get the color of his car correct?

We are now sent into a back room to deliberate. Our first task is to pick a Foreman. When seated around a table, the eyes turn to me, and the black guy suggests me as the Foreman. "Look," I explain, "thanks, but I would like to make another suggestion. This guy thinks he is being picked on because he is black. He mentioned that a cop who sees a black man in a BMW is going to get a second look, anyways. It will send a message to this guy that we, as a jury, felt unanimously that this guy is guilty if it is presented by another black man." A very timid Oriental woman jumped in and exclaimed "I aglee!"

It was decided. The black juror was very startled that we wanted him to be the Foreman, but seemed pleased.

The case was an easy decision. The defendant had even gone so far as to speculate that the Officer had perhaps actually clocked an Asian in a black BMW SUV, not the the black guy in question. I pointed out that not once had the defendant said that he had not been speeding, but rather, was trying to point out errors in the paperwork. He never denied that he passed the unmarked patrol car. He had mentioned being black and owning a BMW and being picked on as a way of playing the race card. It was ridiculous. The Officer who wrote the ticket was Hispanic, by the way.

We had to figure out what his fine was to be. We had a range of $1 - $200 to assess. I suggested that we find out how much the ticket would have cost. We sent a note to the bench, and found out that the ticket was for $160, and that, if found guilty, the guy would owe court costs of $105. We assessed him a fine of the $160, then. With court costs, he would have to pay 265 bucks. Done and done.

We filed back into the courtroom and the Foreman delivered our decision on a piece of paper to the judge, who read aloud what we had decided. The defendant shook his head like he had been ripped off. I shook my head and wanted to tell him that he had wasted all of our time with this flimsy dispute. We were dismissed right at noon, and I felt I had participated in my "civic duty" and was relieved to find out that, having gone through this, I wouldn't be hit up for jury duty again for a full year.

And that, kids, was how I wasted my Thursday morning.

jimmycity makes a porno

Using my digital camera, I shot a couple of minutes of a movie of me being a bit of an exhibitionist. Meat Puppet Theatre, if you will. I emailed it to a few select friends. I am now regretting that I did this am sure that at some point it will surface on the internet and my mother or father will see it and have a heart attack.

This has been my moment of TMI for the week. Sorry.

How About A Music Video?!?

...since I mentioned video, here's a clip of a song by a band that has been around for several years to whom I have just been introduced. I like it when the animals start dancing.

And here's another. Music to take drugs to, a friend has said. I disagree. I'm sober as a judge and enjoy it.

Finally, Let's Check In On "Overheard In New York"

Well I've Been Trying to Cut Back on MSG

Woman to younger boyfriend: Honey, that Chinese food that you brought over is still in my fridge. I was going to throw it out.

Younger boyfriend: No, I'll eat it.

Woman: You don't think it's gone bad?

Boyfriend: It's only two days old. You're 31, and you haven't gone bad yet.

Woman: That makes no sense, and in any event, you haven't eaten me in a while either.

--Upper East Side
via Overheard in New York, Oct 18, 2008

2008-10-12T12:48:00.008-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 10/12/08

The windows to my townhouse are flung wide open, there is a lovely autumn breeze outside, and I have laundry working and dishes a-cleaning and most random bio-hazard safely corralled.

Welcome to my Sunday Mop Up of stuff that has happened in my little world lately!

Jim-Rat

Tuesdays and Thursdays I meet with my trainer and we see how pathetically weak I actually am. It's really surprising. That I can keep my head upright on my shoulders on a day-to-day basis is suddenly amazing, because it has become MORE than apparent to both of us that there is nothing beneath my layers of fat but rubber bands and, perhaps, some kinda paper-mache (sp?) stuff. Sure as shit isn't muscle.

He's a sweet kid, Daniel. He's twenty-three. I have underwear older than he is. He calls me the day after a workout to see if I am okay. Wanna meet him? Okay, I know you do...

My arms are gonna look like that, one day. I'll be one of those guys that flexes his bicep and then kisses it gingerly. You'll hate me, but I won't care. Cuz I'll think I'm hot.

I told Daniel that I wanted to take his picture, so I could post it on my blog and he became very excited about it. I think he thinks more people than three (on a good week) read this, or something.

Salads

I eat them almost daily now. Big bowls of the stuff. Do you eat salad? You should, you know. All that roughage makes for a very productive poop. I'm just sayin'. I'm tryin' to help, is all.

Work

is killing me. My boss is taking the entire week off this week, and it means that my stress level will be out of SIGHT! If I had high blood pressure, I would be stroking out right about now. No kidding. My job blows at the present time.

Keeping Austin Weird

So, I was on the south side of town last weekend, and I had to check in at a store that is on a stretch of road that has become VERY trendy and hip and popular with the cool kids. All sorts of shops and restaurants and bars have popped up all up and down it, making traffic really miserable in the area. Well, after battling for a parking space, I jumped out of my truck and crossed the street to the other side, at the corner where good, law-abiding citizens cross the street. You know? I'm the kind of idiot that will try to dart out across a street anywhere I please, and I took the time to cross where pedestrians are supposed to cross: at the corner and with the light.

Well, as I am standing there, waiting to get permission to walk where I'd like to walk, I notice that there is a person in a bear suit on the other side of the street, among the other people milling about. A cute, cuddly Care-Bears kinda suit, all white and fluffy. It has some kind of design of hearts or something all over the belly, but this was a full-blown costume. Had a big-ass head, like a mascot for a sports team, or something from Disney World. Big eyes and a smile. Creepy.

"Huh. Dork in a bear suit," I said to myself. The bear was standing outside a pizza place. Why would a pizza parlor put a person dressed as a bear outside? I shrugged, the light turned green for those of us waiting to cross, and so we did.

As I got closer to the dude (I'm assuming it was a man inside, because of the person's height. From his body proportions, he was easily six feet tall, but the ginormous head made him tower to well over seven feet in height), I noticed that he wasn't keeping to the pizza place area, he was wandering down the street, now in my direction, waving and dancing. Everyone was pretty much ignoring him.

Closer still, the guy stopped and focused on me. As I was passing him, he reached out and pointed at me.

"Bear!" he exclaimed, tapping me on my chest. His voice was in this falsetto that really pumped up the creep factor. I looked down and realized I was wearing one of my t-shirts that, indeed, says "Bear" on it. Oh great.

"Yes, I am!" I replied, in sarcastic exhuberance.

He then pointed to himself with both his furry paws, touching himself on the hearts of his belly.

"Bear!" he explained with a single word and that same infantile tone. Then, he extended his arms, like he wanted a hug.

"Yes, you are!" I gushed and rolled my eyes and pushed past him. As I passed, I felt a paw reach out and rub my shoulder, the mitt sliding down my back as I hauled ass. I didn't look back.

Luckily, the store I was headed for was just of the other side of him, and I ducked quickly inside, wondering what the fuck that guy's purpose was out there. If someone had hired him to promote their business, I don't think they were getting their money's worth.

When I came back out, he was gone. No sign of him. I was worried about another confrontation, but could relax. I hiked back to the street corner, crossed again with the light, and walked down to my truck.

As I was leaving the area, a full four blocks down the strip, I passed him again. He was just kinda dancing down the street. He was getting to the point where the business district ended, and the residential area began. Dude wasn't on the clock.

I believe I had just met my first "Furry". And I think he cruised me.

2008-10-09T00:10:00.002-05:00

Something New From the Goodie Bag!

I've said it before, I'll say it again: funny smart people turn me on. Take Kirby, for example. This guy absolutely appeals to me and I know it's because he's a clever dick. He's probably completely into women, and that's okay. He's one of my Internet Crushes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.

2008-10-08T00:15:00.002-05:00

Fat Ass Update

I dropped 27 pounds in the last 6 weeks...taking my total to 78.5 pounds since I've started. I'm 6.5 pounds away from a very important number, and I hope to be there by Halloween.

2008-10-03T23:57:00.001-05:00

It's Funny, So You Know I Didn't Write It
(something I lifted off the internet)

CANDIDATE 1: I'm happy to be here tonight.
CANDIDATE 2: I am, too.
CANDIDATE 1: You shouldn't be.
CANDIDATE 2: Why not?
CANDIDATE 1: Because you shouldn't be agreeing with me. Didn't you see that in the manual?
CANDIDATE 2: Manual?
CANDIDATE 1: You know: little yellow book, about this big, says "Top Secret" on the front. Maybe only I got one.
CANDIDATE 2: I don't know. But what's your point? I shouldn't be happy to be here?
CANDIDATE 1: You should be arguing.
CANDIDATE 2: I will be.
CANDIDATE 1: But you agreed with me. You should be arguing so that the people listening to us have a clear choice.
CANDIDATE 2: Okay. Let's argue.
CANDIDATE 1: No! You're agreeing with me again, only this time it's about arguing. That's kind of a paradox, isn't it? It's like seeing Russia from Russia.
CANDIDATE 2: It's nothing like seeing Russia from Russia. And that's not a paradox, anyway. It's a tautology.
CANDIDATE 1: But a paradox is a paradox.
CANDIDATE 2: That's a tautology, too.
CANDIDATE 1: So a paradox is a paradox is a tautology, which means that a paradox is a tautology.
CANDIDATE 2: It doesn't mean that.
CANDIDATE 1: So you disagree with me that it's a paradox?
CANDIDATE 2: I disagree, yes.
CANDIDATE 1: I think we're on the same page now.
[Both bow.]

2008-10-01T09:51:00.004-05:00

News You Can Use!

MIDDLETOWN -- A southwest Ohio woman is facing a disorderly in public charge after police say she donned a cow costume and chased neighborhood children.
Police arrested Michelle Allan on Monday night and booked her while she was still wearing the costume.
Police say after allegedly chasing the children, Allan urinated on a neighbor's porch. Police ordered her to go back home and stay there.
Later that same evening, an officer reported finding Allan allegedly disrupting traffic.
The same officer in his report stated that Allan was verbally abusive while being transported to the police station.
© 2008 WKYC-TV

According to the news report I heard about this, the woman was screaming "Suck my udders!" as she was being taken to jail.

2008-09-29T00:21:00.003-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 09/28/08

Okay, it's really Monday morning, the 29th. I just got back from a late night screening of "Eagle Eye" and remembered that I failed to get to my Mop Up today. So, I'm hugely wiped out, but wanted to post that I'm sorry I screwed up and missed posting. If you think I'm gonna give you a full report this late at night, you be CRAZY baby!

Brothers In Arms

I will tell you this, though. I had my first session with my trainer on Thursday night. We worked my arms, my shoulders, my back, and the area where I should have abs (and don't).

I only just today, got the use of my arms back. We fucked up my triceps so bad that they burned like they were on fire for THREE DAYS, and I couldn't fully bend my right arm until sometime this afternoon. Seriously, feeding myself with a fork or spoon was practically impossible until today. I am just that pathetic.

I see him again on Tuesday, and I fully intend on insisting that we back off the pace a tad. I'm not doing this to hurt myself.

For what it's worth, I plan on taking my camera to the gym and snapping a pic of Daniel this week, so I can show you what a sadist looks like.

That's it. Gotta pee and climb into bed. I have slathered BenGay all over the back of my arms, cuz they are still ridiculously tight, and I smell like a urinal cake or something. I hope you know what I mean.

2008-09-21T12:00:00.002-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 09/21/08

Hi there. Yeah, I'm alive. Thanks fer checkin' in on me. I don't have a bunch to report, but I thought I'd sit down while the laundry is laundering, while the coffee is cafeinnating my sluggish brain, and while the Texas morning is still cool and breezy and completely unTexan, and pound out a little update that I call my Sunday Mop Up. It's beautiful out today.

Fat Ass Update

Several weeks ago now, I returned to see my doctor about my weight loss progress. I knew I was stuck and not losing. I just didn't know how bad it was, because I don't weigh myself. I hadn't been weighed or checked up on in nearly 8 weeks, so I really needed to get in and see what was going on.

The news was worse than expected. I had not only stopped losing, I had put 10 pounds back on. I was devastated. Crushed. I felt like a complete failure.

It wasn't like I was binge-prone. Sure, I was eating regular food, but I wasn't eating massive quantities of greasy fast food or anything. The doctor tightened my band by another half cc, and we talked about things like the SPEED at which I eat, the choices of food I am consuming, and the practice of not drinking ANYTHING while I eat, and avoiding water for at least an hour or two AFTER I eat. It defeats the purpose of having the pouch if, everytime you fill it, you wash the contents out with liquids, right? Of course. But, seriously, have you ever tried eating without a sip of anything during your meal? And then not drinking for HOURS afterwards? It's a challenge for me, let me tell you!

Dr. Garth patted me on the back and sent me on my way back to Austin, and I had a "Come-to-Jesus" meeting with myself all the way back home.

I spent the next week researching some diet plans: Jenny Craig, Nutrisystem, LA Weightloss, Opti-Fast, and Weight Watchers. I decided that I was going to kickstart my ass by joining a plan.

I settled on Nutrisystem, because it was so much less expensive than Jenny Craig, and I didn't trust that I could exert the self-discipline to shop for the right stuff, and weigh my portions as is the requirements of Weight Watchers. With Nutrisystem, I order my food two weeks at a time on the phone, it comes pre-packaged Overnight delivery, and I am not cooking.

Have you seen the portions with these Nutrisystem entrees? HOLY SHIT! Puny, tiny, miniscule sized portions. There is no way I would be able to succeed on this if it weren't for...

Salads!

I can make and eat as much salad as I want to on this diet, and I am one salad-making and salad-eating mofo, I assure you. Fresh romaine, spinach, red onion, bell pepper, sliced mushrooms, tomatoes, broccoli slaw, carrots, radishes, a little bit of pecan or walnut pieces, and some diced Granny Smith apples in a big bowl, dressed with an olive oil and balsamic vingarette is my first course of just about any dinner I eat now. I chase that with the little Nutrisystem entree and I am good to go!

I've dropped 15 pounds in three weeks. That's the original 10 that I put back on, PLUS another five.

I'm back in the saddle, bitches!

The new skinnier jeans I bought a month ago are gettin a little baggy on me, so I went back to the clothes store Friday and tried on the pair that, last visit, I could zip up but not really sit down in.

They fit beautifully now. Didn't buy a pair, because I can still wear the others, and I don't want to be buying new pants every time I turn around. I'm going to see what the next two weeks bring before I spend more money on clothes. I go back to see Dr. Garth on Oct. 6th. I'm only committed to Nutrisystem for another two weeks. I am hopeful I can drop another 10 pounds by then, and I am hopeful because....

I start working with a personal trainer next week. Well, it's a YMCA staff member who offers his services at an additional charge, but his fee is so affordable it is RIDICULOUS and I just had to step up my exercise program somehow.

I will meet with this guy for a half hour twice a week, and we will focus on a little weight training, and some Core Strength training. For example, I will see this guy on Tuesday and Thursday after I have done my cardio on the treadmill for a half hour, then work with him for a half hour. Twenty minutes with the weights, and 10 minutes of Core Strength (abdominal exercises with things like the medicine ball, stretching, and the like).

Days I don't see him, I will just keep the treadmill going for a full hour. I will take two days off entirely per week.

If this schedule doesn't kill me, it should really impact my weight loss. I'm scared and I'm nervous, but I'm excited. I'll keep you posted.

E-Male

Thought I would share an e-mail that I received last week:

Date: Wed, 17 Sep 2008 07:20:13 -0700
From: xxxxxxx@yahoo.com
Subject: I love you
To: jimmycity@hotmail.com

Hi Jimmy
I chubby daddy bear from KSA
Please Can you send me more gallery for your (hairy armpit)
I want smell
Thanks

Reads like a Hallmark card, doesn't it?
I passed it to a few of my friends, and here's what one smartass had to say:

"Please send me pic of ass by camel so I can smell. "- Dave

Nice. Thanks, Dave!

2008-08-31T17:58:00.002-05:00

~~Sunday Mop Up 08/31/08~~

I'm still sad, I'm still lame, I'm on Nutrisystem to jumpstart my weightloss, and I need to go away for a little while. Doing this should be fun, and inspired, and I should be motivated and engaged, right?

Well, I'm not.

Thanks for all the emails of encouragement from my special friends, and the comments in the comments section from others of you.

I'm going out of town next weekend for another social event and maybe it will be thrilling enough to get me to post. But, like, I'm not holding my breath.

Big Love.

2008-08-24T20:23:00.005-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 08/24/08

Ugh! Seriously. It's my weekly Sunday Mop Up. Whatever.

More Personal Stuff (like there's ever anything else on this blog)

Here are the bullet points:

* I am stuck, weightwise. Spent Thursday at the doctor's office in Houston and was scolded that I eat too much, too fast, too often, am not drinking enough water daily, and am not exercising hard enough. I wanted to jump out of his 7th story window.

* I have called it off with DQ. Well, I told him that I "needed time" and that it wasn't his fault. And I do, and it's not. I immediately curled into the fetal position on the bed. I am going to die a lonely old man. I wanted to jump out of my second story bedroom window.

* Work fucks with my head on a daily basis. It's that time of year, but it is intensified because we aren't reporting to the person to whom we used to report. He's gone now. My department is currently a political football that three different VPs are trying to control. I am considering jumping out of my groundfloor office window on Monday. Hey, I'd still hurt myself. Trust.

* Then, to top it all off, I am being a freaking baby, and I get this sweet, supportive comment on last week's surly post from Bigg, of all people, and I am stunned at how ridiculous I am being. This is a guy grappling with Life and Death on a daily basis, and I sit here pissing in my diapers about not being "loved". Jesus!

So, let me say a BIG thank you to those of you who have checked in with me and took the time to write. One special guy went out of his way to email me at my personal email address, and his concern made me smile and turned me on. See, that's how I'm built. If I'm not complaining, I am cruising.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid Movie

Step Brothers. Oh My God! SO bad. And I think I laughed the loudest of anyone in the theatre when Will Ferrell molested the drum kit.

It might have been funnier if Rosie O'Donnell had been in it.

2008-08-17T13:01:00.004-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 8/17/08

I feel myself turning inward again. I am cutting myself off from the world. I feel alone. I never fit in.

It's my Sunday Mop Up.

Personal Stuff

Really, I just want to take a pass on spilling my guts this week, okay? I have a drs appointment on Thursday in Houston to see how I am doing on the weight loss. Maybe I can talk about what I'm feeling about it all after that.

COMPLETELY Retarded!

So stupid that I HAD to laugh. But, come on, what Ben Stiller movie isn't stupid? Fuck the PC Police, you can tell everyone had a BLAST making this movie. And, I swear, there are some scenes where you just shake your head at how "out there" the actors get. I really enjoyed this. Stiller and Downey and Black and Cruise and McConaughey all chewing up the scenery in a dumbass summer movie? Count me in!

A Song That Has Been In My Head Lately

The Secret O' Life

The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time

Any fool can do it

There aint nothing to it

Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill

But since were on our way down

We might as well enjoy the ride

The secret of love is in opening up your heart

Its okay to feel afraid

But dont let that stand in your way

cause anyone knows that love is the only road

And since were only here for a while

Might as well show some style

Give us a smile

Isnt it a lovely ride?

Sliding down-Gliding down

Try not to try too hard

Its just a lovely ride

Now the thing about time is that time isnt really real

Its just your point of view

How does it feel for you

Einstein said he could never understand it all

Planets spinning through space

The smile upon your face

Welcome to the human race

Some kind of lovely ride

Ill be sliding down-Ill be gliding down

Try not to try too hard

Its just a lovely ride!

Now the secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

[For what it's worth, I think "Try not to try too hard" should be added as the 11th Commandment!]

2008-08-10T20:51:00.004-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 8/10/08

It's the end of the day. I've had a shitty weekend. I got really sick yesterday afternoon with a sinus headache that felt like someone was stepping on my head. I've wasted two glorious days feeling like crap, and I have to go back to work tomorrow. Great. This is my end of the week Sunday Mop Up. Now, even lamer than usual!

The Olympics

Okay, just let me get this off my chest. I saw parts of the Opening Ceremonies Friday night and what I witnessed was AMAZING! To call it "beautiful" does not do it justice. People flew like fairies, calligraphy was drawn, like magic, on a big unraveling scroll. Lights and fireworks and magic and spectacle were EVERYwhere. 2008 drummers played, in unison, like one single entity. Do you understand that I found it impressive? For I surely did. China out "Hollywood"-ed every Olympic ceremony that came before, and set the bar for every future ceremony to come. But, I have something more important to say:

Fuck you, China!

and, more importantly:

Fuck you, Olympic Committee that allowed China to host the games this year! Fuck you hard!

The ceremonies, rife with pageantry and color and wonder, were nothing more than a Marketing Opportunity for this communist regime to woo the greedy western corporate machine and make us all believe that they are a welcoming economic resource and deserve a place at the table with the democracies of the world.

Fuck you.

Don't parade a plethora of costume-wearing children in front of me, all smiles and waves, and expect me to forget about your pathetic record of Human Rights atrocities and violations. Don't think that I didn't watch the proceedings and wonder how many thousands of people busted their asses for little-to-no money so that you could put lipstick on that pig. I heard commentators mention that, during rehearsals, performers were admonished to "Smile More! Look Happy!" by the producers and directors of the ceremonies.

Sure, fuck you, China. But more: fuck you Olympic Committee for giving them the chance to blow smoke up the world's ass. Hosting these events should be an honor bestowed upon countries who work to give Human and Civil Rights a chance to flourish. I think it was a sin to allow China this opportunity. They do not deserve it.

So, I applaud the amazing work done by the people of China during the ceremonies. And, I root for all athletes in these competitions. And I am disgusted by what the Olympics have turned into.

moving on...

Skinny Jeans

I went to the clothes store for the Portly & Piggly today and bought myself a new pair of jeans for work. I am happy to report that I bought a pair THREE sizes smaller in the waist than what I was wearing earlier in the year. That's six inches, folks! In fact, I was able to put on, zip up AND button a pair that was FOUR sizes smaller in the waist (eight inches!), but they looked a little lumpy on me. It's cool. Those bitches will be my NEXT britches!

I had so much fun goofing around with the sales staff, that the assistant manager offered me a part-time job with them on weekends. Can you say 30% employee discount? She said that they are always looking for lively and fun people to work there, and when she found out that I once worked for them part-time years ago, she pressed an application into my hand.

Oh, she also managed to open the dressing room door on me as I was trying on the jeans. I told her that she HAD to hire me now, or I was going to file a complaint on her. We laughed.

I'm thinking about the idea. A job on the weekends could mean an extra $300-$350 bucks a month towards bills, and keep me thinking about my body more and more. Plus, it's fun to pretend that I know what the hell I'm talking about with fashion. I can bullshit, ya know!

We'll see...

2008-08-03T22:16:00.003-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 08/03/08

Sexual Chocolate

I saw my good friend last weekend at the Big Man's event in OKC. He's really quite remarkable. He showed up on Saturday with a bag in tow- having no reservations at the hotel and had not even registered. He can't afford such luxuries. He's an artist, and somehow eeks out a living working part time jobs so that he can focus on his real work: his art.

So, while us fat guys had to arrange for rooms and register for the event months in advance, Sexual Chocolate just shows up and is taken care of by his friends. He is an amazing lover, and a good friend, to many big guys and they were more than willing to put him up in their rooms, and take care of him. When I saw him on Saturday, poolside, he had a big grin on his face as he was surrounded by big, appreciative friends who wanted his attention.

I didn't see much of him after that. Well, a few of us got together and ordered a pizza Saturday night and SC magically appeared at the door and we were happy to share our pies with him. After that sighting, though, he was nowhere to be found. Brotha was BUSY!

Now, you may recall that SC had a little accident back in April, I think it was. Remember me telling you about going to see him play in a gay volleyball tournament and how he blew out his kneecap during a game? Well, that knee was still in bad shape, although he was wearing a brace on it. Several times since the fall, he had re-injured the knee. Seems he had ripped the tendon connecting the patella to the shin, and his left knee cap was kinda floating around the front of his leg. SC has no medical insurance because he only works part-time jobs, so he had been trying to arrange some financial help in order to get the necessary surgery to stitch the patella back into place. He has a big appointment with an organization who helps people like this out on August 7th.

So, anyway, the weekend comes and goes; I see him there, we hang out a little bit, and go our separate ways. He had asked where I have been lately, and I tell him about DQ. This keeps him from even bothering with smooth-talking me, and he vanishes into the weekend to play with his friends.

On Monday, back in Austin, I get a phone call from him around noon. It was nice to see me, he tells me, and was wondering what I was doing for lunch that day. I tell him I had already eaten and he suggests that I give him a call later on that day, and maybe we could get together for dinner. I tell him that I'll call him and we hang up.

I didn't want to do dinner, so I don't call then. But later in the evening, I decide that I will call to see if he would like to take in a movie. He had mentioned in OKC that he hadn't seen "The Dark Knight" yet, and I thought it would be a nice gesture on my part to take him to see it.

I call him at 9:30PM, and tell him that there is a showing at 10:15 at a local movie house, and if he would like to go, to haul ass over to my place and we'll jump in my truck and take off from here. He says it's a great idea and that he'll be here in 15 minutes and we hang up.

The clock starts.

9:45 comes and there is no sign of him. I had jumped into the shower and was running around the place to be ready when he showed up. 10:00 comes and he still isn't here. I'm sitting in the living room, by the front door, waiting.

10:05 comes and I'm getting angry because we won't make it on time if he doesn't get here quickly. I run upstairs to grab my phone to call him to see what the hell is going on, and when I'm standing in my bedroom by the bedroom window, I hear a voice outside, calling my name. I look out the blinds and I see SC's Jeep in the driveway, but no sign of SC.

I run outside, only to find Sexual Chocolate lying in my front yard, under a tree. He had tripped over a curb, his bad knee had given out and, in an attempt at not falling, he had thrown all his weight onto his GOOD knee...

...and the good knee blew out.

He could not even stand up. The man had no knees.

I got behind him and lifted him to a standing position. He was in terrific pain. He told me that he needed to go to the Emergency Room, and I readily agreed. I grabbed an ice-pack out of my freezer, loaded him into my truck, and we drove to the hospital.

From 10:30pm until 3am we sat in the ER. It was horrific. Homeless people, crack whores, and strange, psychotic types filled the Waiting Room. It was a Monday night, and it was crazy busy.

When he was finally seen by a doctor, he was admitted into the hospital. X-rays showed that he had, indeed, ripped the tendon holding his patella on his GOOD knee as well. He had surgery on Tuesday morning, stitching both kneecaps back into place.

I've been running back and forth to the hospital all week long, checking on him. He thought he would be released in a day or two, but the doctors found he had weird liver issues and gall bladder problems that were causing some abdominal distress. They kept him until today. I spent some time this afternoon with some friends getting him transported back to the place where he lives (with a roommate), and getting him set up and comfortable. He'll be unable to use his legs for at least two weeks, and can expect to have to go through physical therapy for up to a year to get his knees fully functional.

Poor guy. This was the person who took care of me when I went to Houston for my lap-band surgery. He was there for me then. I am happy to be here for him now.

He's gonna have to wait to see "The Dark Knight" when it comes out on DVD.

2008-08-02T17:26:00.006-05:00

Leave Barack Alone!

He's Home!

Wall-E!

Yes, that's my disaster of a desk. Wall-E is on top of my laptop, doing his thing, 'til he takes a swan-dive off the edge. I'll clean tomorrow. that's what Sunday is FOR, ya know!

2008-07-29T13:35:00.009-05:00

A Few Photos From The Weekend

All in all, a good time, indeed!

2008-07-27T23:42:00.002-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 07/27/08

I'm home from the road tonight. I was supposed to be in OKC one more night and come home Monday but, LORD, I was ready to get outta that place when I woke up this morning. I'm not sure I will ever be able to put into words what this past weekend was like. That ought to be good news for some of you!

I drove 7 hours today to get back. Had a blowout of a tire on the interstate, in the middle of nowhere, while driving. I couldn't figure out how to get my spare out from under the damned truck while parked on the side of the road, with 18 wheelers blasting past me at 75 miles per hour. Had to call Ford's Roadside Assistance number to come and save my ass. Forty-nine year old can't figure out how to change his own flat...good grief! I laughed at myself and thanked The Universe for keeping an eye on me and helping make my adventures more...adventurous?

But, here I am in Casa Del Jimbo, and everything is fine.

Can we catch up another time? Seriously, I am EXHAUSTED!

Hope your weekend was a good time as well!

2008-07-25T22:24:00.002-05:00

Got Sex?

...uh, yeah, along with a pretty wicked smile on my face - and it's only Friday night!

I'm meeting some very nice people and fending off many other nice people. It's doing a number on my ego, let me tell ya!

I'll try to do a decent job catching you up on my Mop Up, but right now I need to lie down for a few minutes. It's kinda crazy here.

2008-07-20T19:28:00.002-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 07/20/08

Welcome to the end of my week, where I endeavor to catch you up on all the little shit going on in my world. I call it my "Sunday Mop Up", when sometimes it just seems like a quick scrub of a toilet bowl.

Guess Who Is Depressed

Me.

Care To Guess Why?

Cuz I'm a baby? That's the conventional wisdom. DQ has been in Virginia for a week and I think I am missing him and I am suspecting that he's having a great time and has already forgotten my name. When we first met, he thought my name was "Joe", by the way. Put it in his phone that way.

Big Vacation Starts On Thursday

I'm going to Oklahomo City for a big Big Man's event. It will be my first time attending. Lots of guys my size and lots of guys into guys my size. I'm struggling at this point to get my work caught up and done ahead so that I can take a week and not worry about what is happening at the workplace. Maybe I'll be excited about it all once I am on the road and pointed in that direction. Right now all I can fret about is all the crap I need to get done in order to go.

There will be pool parties, dances, mixers, dinners and barbecues. It's fat guys, so you KNOW food will be featured and displayed prominently. I'm taking my laptop so that I can broadcast live via webcam to a fat guy website that I visit regularly. Also will have my awesome digital camera, so I intend on snapping lots of pictures. We'll see if any of them will be tame enough to share with you after all is said and done. I make no promises.

I hope it will be worth all the money it is going to cost me.

Windshield Get Replaced On Monday

This is a huge deal to me, a problem that has been dogging me for over a year. Hoping it all gets put to rest by tomorrow afternoon.

Another Reason I Might Be Depressed

I haven't had sex in a while. Turns out, this might be important to me. Who knew?

Movie Of The Week

The Dark Knight. Heath Ledger is, without a doubt, the best villain in any superhero movie ever made. I'll say right now that yes, he will get nominated for an Oscar and, even more, he will win. Still, NOT my favorite movie of the summer. I'll rank them all another time.

The Cleaning Labia

called me to inform me that she is moving back to Kansas this week. Her daughter (Sabrina) will pick up the duties around Casa del Jimbo starting next week ( I even get moved back to a coveted Friday slot!), but I will miss Wilma very much. She really rocked. Finding someone who speaks English to clean your bathroom isn't an easy thing to do these days.

Will Jim Snap Outta This Funk?

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

2008-07-19T19:48:00.002-05:00

I'm Always The Last To Know

Found the following little test-thingy over at Dick Small's blog, and am stunned that I am surprised by it. What should you expect from an immature middle-aged man who uses terms like "test-thingy"?

Still, I am deeply wounded and profoundly embarrassed.

2008-07-13T12:37:00.005-05:00

Sunday Mop Up 07/13/08

It's a low energy day today. Maybe that's because I'm still on my first cuppa joe. It's Sunday, which means I sit here and putter around the house and try to catch you up on the odds and ends of my life., I call it "Sunday Mop Up". My friends call it "Homo sez WHAT?"

Cleanliness Is Next To "Good GAWD"liness!

I seem to have developed a Beauty Regime lately. Since I'm not blowing all my cash on food, I have begun buying crap that promises to make me look better. Although, I want it stated right up front that this does NOT include anal bleach. Jesus! Now, to you ladies, this may seem like nothing. But for a guy like ME to go through these steps is a freaking miracle. I've been a barsoap and Suave shampoo 'tard all my life.

So, here's the dealio:

Every morning I use a Pre-Brush Whitening Oral rinse, followed by an expensive toothpaste that says it will whiten my teefies. Then, I floss. The rinse happens outside the shower, but I brush when I'm IN the shower, so I can make a huge, frothing mess. That "rabid dog look" is the best part of dental maintenance, ya know...

Next, I hose down and shampoo my hair, my goatee, and my "South Forty" with TeaTree (shit aint cheap) by Paul Mitchell. Menthol and very "stimulating"! I follow that with TeaTree creme rinse, everywhere the shampoo went, and I shave my face.

After I shave, I pull out the St. Ives Apricot Scrub and exfoliate my mugg like a mofo. This stuff does a GREAT job of cleansing, yet leaves my face soft and smooth like a baby's...rugged, masculine, and manly...butt. Shut up.

Then I lather myself up with AXE Bodywash. Twice. I have a body brush (one for home, one for the gym), for all the nooks and crannies. I work that bitch.

I finish my hot shower with a cold rinse, to close all the pores that I have just opened up and assaulted.

"It puts the lotion on its skin..."

Once out of the shower, I hit my face with an OxyClean zit pad. Just to keep the complexion in check. Fat guys can get oily quick. I'm always amazed at the extra dirt this pad pulls off my freshly scrubbed face. Maybe that Apricot Scrub isn't doing such a bang-up job afterall...Then I use a MOISTURIZER on my face. No shit. Me using a mositurizer. The X would fuckin' faint. I use one from Olay with a little sunblock and some bronzer in it. That "Touch Of Sun" shit. SPF15...whoopdefuckindoo, I bet my SPIT has an SPF of 25 or so...

Out of the bathroom and before getting dressed, I use another body moisturizer, lightly, to try to keep my skin hydrated. Look, I'm doing this routine at LEAST twice a day, sometimes three, people, and all that scrubbing and washing could dry a fool out, ya know?

After I'm fully dry and moisturized and my pits have been swabbed and my ears have been Q-Tipped, I slap on a tiny bit of aftershave. A few drops on the face, with the residual going on the chest and maybe across the back of the neck. I keep it very light. Men reeking of cologne is SUCH a cliche. I also use a newly purchased Nose Hair clipper, when needed. Why do I need that fucker so much suddenly? What's up with THAT?!?

Now, that isn't just a morning routine. I do the whole thing (except the teeth stuff) every evening at the gym. Also, swap out the Apricot Scrub for the Apricot CLEANSER (different stuff, kids!) at the gym. I do my teeth a second time just before I crawl into bed. On the weekends, if my workout was early enough in the afternoon, I'll do the whole routine a third time before I crash.

The fact is that I'm looking to EXPAND this routine to include better foot maintenance (I found something called a "Pedi-Egg" which looks like a cheese grater you use on the soles of your feet to scrape off the callouses -which I will be picking up next time I'm at the store), foot powder even, and maybe some goop especially for my eyes. You know, to keep them from looking all puffy an' stuff.

I know. I've never BEEN so gay! But I'm a clean motherfucker, my friends. And, this is helping me stay focused on my body and trying to improve myself as I try to lose more weight.

Oh, and HERE'S some weirdness I will confess: I have a tendency to sleep on my face. Seriously, no matter how I lie in bed before I fall asleep, I wake up with my face planted deep into the pillow, or the mattress, or whatever. I have no idea how I am managing to breathe, but it's true. I sleep on my face. Well, this issue has, over the years, done a number on my eyelashes. They don't curl up anymore. They, instead, grow directly downward. This causes them to get stuck in my freaking eyes a LOT, and it's quite a nuisance. It hurts sometimes. Besides, it looks weird.

So, now that I'm seeing a guy who dresses up like a woman (it's just a JOB!), he has suggested something, and I have followed his advice. I now own, and use, eyelash curlers. Go ahead and laugh, I know I do. But, it really helps keep the lashes out of my eyes. So, every night and every morning I pull the curlers out and tweak my eyelashes. If I ever start plucking my eyebrows someone PLEASE call the police!

The Week Ahead

I take my truck into the shop tomorrow morning to get the front windshield reseated onto the frame of the cab. I have owned this truck for over a year now, and have heard, since the first week after purchase, a "whistling" from the right side of the cab. When I would take it in to the dealership, I couldn't find anyone who could hear it other than me. I was frustrated and furious over it.

Well, last week I took the truck in for an oil change, and I met a service writer who mentioned that he has a pretty good ear when it comes to noises inside vehicles. I made him jump into the truck with me, and we drove around town, as I tried to point out the whistling problem I had.

And, praise God, he HEARD it too! - He also defended the shop techs who claimed that they couldn't hear this issue. As he points out, these are guys with machines and automatic wrenches right up against their heads as they work on engines. This was a very high frequency whistle. Truthfully, it only really bothered me late at night when the radio was off, and outside traffic was minimal. But it's been there, and I wanted it GONE!

I'm very excited to announce that I may have resolution to this issue some time tomorrow afternoon. YAY!

DQ Hits The Road

He'll be in Virginia for management training with his company for the next three weeks. I won't see him again until I pick him up from the airport on August 1st.

-Oh! Another factoid about him. He was asking me about the blog earlier in the week, so I gave him the address. I have no idea if that was a mistake. He says he will catch up on it while in Virginia. I don't think I have written anything here that I haven't said to his face, so I'm just going to assume that if he has any issues with what I've posted, that he will be honest and talk to me. Okay? okay!

I was going to write more, but I am wasting daylight here, I need to go get out into it. I'll fill you all in on a big vacation I will be taking at the end of the month.

2008-07-10T23:16:00.004-05:00

More "Cram It Camera"!

Here are some pics of the other half of the of the staff of the department I supervise. Yes, it's a small group, there are only 7 of us in total (8 if ya count the part-timer).

This is Gerry. He is the other video tech that keeps the facility running. Dude is freaking MacGyver. He can fix sophisticated electronic equipment run using chewing gum, a paperclip, and some weird little metal thing he had stashed in the back of a drawer in his desk. He never throws anything away, and I have stopped making fun of that fact, because he has saved our asses NUMEROUS times with the shit he has squirreled away. He's native Texan, a Navy vet, and a countryboy. Can ya tell? He is amazing.

Meet Steve. Steve is my challenge, as a supervisor. Steve doesn't like me. I'm not too crazy about him, truth be told. Steve suspects I am gay, but I've never come out to him. He's a "don't ask, don't tell" kinda personality. Steve is a devout Christian, and believes gays will burn in Hell. Steve loved the Showtime series "The L Word" because, in his words, "lipstick lesbians are hot". See why I might have a problem here? Please note that Steve is not looking into the camera. That is because Steve rarely looks me in the eye.

And, finally, this is Jason. He's a part-timer in the Production department, but I throw hours at him to fill out his 20 per week that he is allotted. He's a good kid. He wants to be a "shooter"( a camera operator), but really loves learning all aspects of video production. I'm currently getting him training to fill in for Operator shifts should someone get sick, or take vacation time. I think he appreciates that I'm trying to find things for him to do.

So, that's the crew that I work with daily. Pretty good group, all things considered.

2008-07-07T14:32:00.003-05:00

What A Feeling!

Maybe I don't feel exactly like this when I work out, but I'm pretty sure it looks as bad.

...okay, worse...

2008-07-06T12:28:00.003-05:00

Sunday MopUp 07/06/08

Is that a roman candle in your pocket or are ya just glad ta see me? Welcome to my Sunday MopUp. Be warned that I have a short fuse...

Death Of An iPod

My freaking iPod bit the big one over a week ago. Was at the gym, had the headphones strapped to my melon, was jamming to some Foo Fighters and, suddenly, nothing. I could see that the songs were playing, but no sound was coming out. I switched to those nasty ear bud things. Nothing. I...uh...shook it. Didn't help. I wondered if it was a battery issue. I seemed to have plenty of juice left in it. So, I struggled with my work out, sans tune-age (which SUCKS ASS!), and then bolted for home. I rebooted the bitch. I got onto iTUNES and reloaded the entire program and library. Zip. Nada. Nothing. I let it charge back up some more. Didn't help.

So, I let it sit on my desk at home for a few days because, you know, maybe it needed to rest a bit.

By Sunday, I was completely aware that I was not going to be able to work out without having rock and roll blaring into my ear canals. I need this. By the way, have you ever listened to what goes on in a gym? One day I was on the treadmill next to this athletic young guy who was running a marathon on his treadmill, and the jerk was ripping farts as he ran. Didn't faze him a bit. Now, they didn't smell, but who wants to hear that? Good grief!

Sunday night, I call Apple Customer Service and talk to "Steve", a guy with a super thick Indian accent. He informs me that my warranty has expired and that if I want my player fixed, I would have to mail it to them. The cost of repair would be $140.00. I could expect my iPod back in about 10- 14 business days. OR, I could buy another NEW one, pay $179.00 (plus tax and shipping), get it back in 5-7 business days, and get a full one year warranty.

Steve Jobs is a motherfucker. We all know this, right?

I bought a new one. Ordered just what I had: a 30gig black "classic" iPod. It arrived on Thursday: a 30gig WHITE "classic: iPod.

I was furious. I ordered black, and got white.

Just so happens that I was talking to DQ when it arrived by FedEx. I threw a fit. His response was "does the black one SOUND better?"

Well, I'm certainly not going to mail this one back and have to wait another week because of a color issue. I NEED MY TUNES to work out! i cannot abide listening to the grunting, the farting, the swapping of casserole recipes by the other patrons at the YMCA! So, I am living with white. and, you know what? It's easier to find than the black one when it's stuffed down into the bottom of my gym bag.

4th Of July

DQ was out of town, and my best friend and his wife wanted some "alone time". I didn't dare show up at the small town fireworks show that I have gone to in the past, out of fear of running into The X. So, I sat at home. It's cool.

This Week's Movie

was "Hancock". Didn't suck. In fact, I enjoyed it. I find Jason Bateman to be completely watchable. He made the movie for me. I wasn't happy with the ending, and maybe I'll explain why some day but, for now, I'll just say that I had a good time.

I hope you all had a safe holiday, and still have all your fingers and toes. I'll be posting some more "Cram It Camera" shots later this week.

2008-06-29T19:43:00.004-05:00

Sunday MopUp 06/29/08

Wall-E

Beautiful. Thoughtful. Perfect "Date Movie", seriously! I loved everything about this charming tale of a robot longing for Love.

Between this and "Kung Fu Panda", I feel like Hollywood is really trying to talk to me. Themes of Consumerism, Lethargy, Apathy, Self-Love, and Idealism are all OVER these two computer generated tales. Sure seems like The Universe is out to get my attention. I open my arms and feel myself in Its embrace.

I cried during this movie. Can't put my finger on why, exactly. I was just swept up in the Intent of the storytellers here. Tears collected and poured down my cheeks. It's just a very beautiful movie.

Go see it.

Dating

Spent time with DQ this week. We hadn't seen each other in quite a while, and he told me more than a few times how much he had missed me. He makes me smile. I admitted that I had missed him as well.

I like it when he crawls into my bed and just wants to sleep. But, we didn't sleep this weekend. We got into bed and then messed it up pretty good. He had a show to prepare for (ugh!) and I had errands to run, so our time together was pretty short. But it was sweet. Sex, then dinner, and a WHOLE BUNCH of yacking and kissing before, during, and after. The kid can talk. And, ya know, so can I...

He has a family reunion to go to next weekend, so I am kind of stuck on what to do for the 4th of July. It's not a big deal. But I'll miss him during the fireworks, whereEVER I see them, because I'll be thinking of OUR fireworks. Pretty cheesey, huh?

2008-06-28T12:11:00.002-05:00

Gay Zombie!

A little sumthin-sumthin I found over at Joe.My.God (the best gay blog in the universe).

2008-06-24T22:47:00.007-05:00

SMILE, You're On "Cram It Camera"!

This is my boss. He's already annoyed with me and my camera. I suspect he is jealous of its awesomeness.

He's really a nice guy, when you're not hounding him to "try and look like a nice guy!"

This is Rick. He one of the department's video technicians. He likes to jump out at me from around corners and shout my name. I intend to kill him one day.

This is Paul, one of the Operators that I supervise. He is quiet and well-mannered and often times brings me coffee. If I had to rescue one person from my department because the building was burning, it would be Paul. I need my coffee THAT much. Besides, he laughs at my jokes. Also, he's small enough for me to fit into a pocket, which is a plus when you are rescuing someone from a burning building.

Don't think you're getting off that easily. There will be more of this. You have been warned.

2008-06-22T12:59:00.009-05:00

Sunday MopUp 06/22/08

Today's MopUp is all about one thing: I have gotten a Summer Cold. I believe I wore myself down a bit last week by increasing my workouts at the gym to TWO one-hour sessions a day. The first at 6AM, and then another at 7PM at night, with a full day at the office wedged in between. About three days of this and my body just said "Fuck it!" and I began to get sick.

I know. I pushed myself too hard. It's that obsessive/compulsive part of my personality that just can't deal with Moderation. No, when I like doing something, I overdo it. Every time. This explains my issues with food, sex and, at one point in my life, cocaine.

It's a lesson I have to revisit over and over again. Silly bear!

So, I took two days off from working out, bought some of that Zicam stuff, loaded up on Vitamin C, increased the fluids into my system, and have been sleeping every chance that I get. I must admit, compared to the Snot Farmer that I was on Thursday, I am in MUCH better shape now.

I went back to the gym yesterday, walked for an hour, and feel like I haven't gotten off track badly at all. In fact, the two days off might have been really good for my workouts. I felt strangely strong as that bitch The Treadmill, worked my ass over.

I'm going back today for another session, but I am not getting out of bed at 6AM to do this for the time being. 7PM is a much more reasonable time for me during the week. I just can't handle the extra stress right now.

How About A Video?

I don't know why this song reminds me of Summer, but it does. I guess it's the images in the video. I just know I have always loved this song, and I always pull it out around this time of year.

Take care of yourselves, my friends. Thanks for checking in!

Late Edition Addition!

I forgot to mention that I won a new digital camera in a contest at work. You betcha! It's a Canon PowerShot SD1100 IS that shoots 8.o megapixels and has all kinds of groovy shit to go along with it. This pleases me greatly because I have needed a camera FOREVER! I've never owned a digital camera before, in fact. The only thing lacking with this baby was that it came with a 32MEG memory card. Fuck that. I hoofed it over to the electronics store the night I got it and bought an 8GIG card for 39.99!

So, in keeping with learning how to use the boogar, I offer you a portrait of the trash toys I've collected from the summer movies that I have seen so far (I'm STILL pissed that I can't find anything Hulk):

For those of you keeping score, that's Ironman on the left, Po, the Panda on the right, and Speed Racer's Mach 5 up front.

2008-06-15T12:17:00.006-05:00

Sunday MopUp 06/15/08

Well, hello there! Nice to see you. Come on in! I was just pouring myself a bucket of coffee and sitting down to catch a few friends up on what has been going on around here lately. I call this my Sunday MopUp. Feel free to sit a spell.

Lap Band Update

Drove out to Houston on Thursday, not really knowing what to expect. When I was there two weeks ago, I had a 5 pound loss for the previous two weeks. I wasn't very hopeful on this trip because I had to take a full week off of working out in order to let the blisters on my left foot heal up. So, I only had one week of working out under my belt in this two week period. I told myself that if I dropped three pounds that I would be satisfied, all things considered.

When they weighed me, I discovered that I had dropped another SEVEN pounds in that two weeks! SEVEN POUNDS! I just about floated off the scale.

This puts me at 62.2 pounds so far. It also means that I am 13 pounds from being able to use the scale at the gym to monitor my weight. See, I am currently too large for the scale, and the only way I know how I am doing is by making this 3 hour trek to Houston. It's ridiculous.

Anyway, Dr Davis was very complimentary of my progress and gave me another HALF a cc of saline into my band. This puts me at 7 cc's. He wants me to slow down on these fills, by the way. It would be VERY bad to overfill the band. It can cause lots of complications. In fact, I sat in the waiting room with a woman who is about to have her band removed and get the bypass because of complications from getting the band overfilled. It was a cautionary tale for me. Being overfilled can keep food from passing into the lower stomach so much that food collects in the pouch and you begin to stretch the pouch out. Too much stretching and the pouch can overhang around the outside of the band, which can cause food to be trapped, and also can create an opportunity for the pouch tissue to grow onto the band. Either of these scenarios is not good.

So, I'll probably forego a trip in two more weeks and see how I feel in a month. I need to slow down a little. The doctor says three and a half pounds a week in weigh loss is really kind of fast for this procedure. He was fine with me losing two and a half a week, but wants me to focus on eating well, and not overdoing it at the gym. He pointed out that I run the risk of losing muscle mass by losing this fast. That's when he got my attention.

I don't want to fuck this up.

Movies

Saw two this week:

I loved this movie. Old, tired story. Nothing new to it. But a great message for kids about self-acceptance, and acknowledging your own strengths. Lots of fat jokes, but done in a charming way. Jack Black was the perfect voice for Po, the daydreaming Panda. Dustin Hoffman did a terrific job as his Master. The other voice-over talent was a complete waste of money. Why use Angelina Jolie, Seth Rogan, and Jackie Chan if you aren't going to showcase them in any way? Their parts were so small it was ridiculous. Still, I liked this movie so much, I went on a crusade to find a Po action figure at MacDonald's. Took a while, but I found one. YAY!

Next...

All the online reviews I read just TRASHED this movie. Too bad. I enjoyed it. It wasn't as good as Ironman, of course, but it didn't suck. My main complaint is that they used Liv Tyler. This chick is NOT an actress. Never liked her, never will. Please, Hollywood, stop using this woman.

All in all, what this movie lacked was a sense of humor. WAY too serious for a comic book movie. But, it didn't suck.

I'm pissed that there are no Hulk action figures at any of the burger joints. I seem to be collecting the trash toys of the summer movies I see this year. I have an Ironman, a Mach 5 from "Speed Racer", and now a Po. Stupid, huh?

2008-06-12T22:41:00.002-05:00

The Fag Bomb - Another Dickless Video

Courtesy "Goodie Bag" and the amazingly cool Kirby Ferguson. He never lets me down.

2008-06-08T18:58:00.004-05:00

Sunday MopUp 06/08/08

My sunburned scalp is crumbling off the top of my head in chunks that look like fried rice, I drank a beer because it's so hot and humid outside that I am UBERcranky, and the beer has given me a bloat attack, and I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night.

This is my Sunday MopUp, and if I puke on ya, I'll just have more to talk about while I hose you down. Some days, it doesn't seem worth it to show up here, huh?

Nudity Done RIGHT!

Went to a pool party Sunday night with the usual assortment of hairy, gay men. At 9PM, everything was very civilized and proper. I took DQ and he didn't seem impressed. By 11:30, the social lubricant had been applied generously and the pool party turned into a skinny dipping Extravaganza. Well, without too much "skinny". It was really wonderful to be surrounded by happy homos who weren't the least bit shy in sauntering around the pool naked, bumming cigarettes off each other, stealing the best beer in the coolers, playing Grab-Ass with any and all passers-by, and congratulating each other on endowment.

Not everyone got naked, plenty of guys remained clothed, but this was a charming and innocent gathering of friends who were delighted to be in each other's company, and it showed. There was no leering, or cruising going on. Just old friends on a hot, hot summer's evening. I reminded the host of what a great group of friends he has. Everyone was lovely.

There was no sex, no drug use, and no drama, but there was also no hiking boots, leathery saddle-bag butts, posing, or apparent skin cancers (as opposed to what I witnessed at Hippie Hollow last week).

Four dozen naked fat guys in a pool can be really fun to be around. YAY!

Little Victories

1. My skinniest pair of jean shorts fell to my ankles as I went up the stairs here at home this weekend. Now, granted, I wasn't wearing a belt, but I believe I am approaching the next smaller size of pants to wear.

2. I am now up to 3 miles on the treadmill in 60 minutes. I was supposed to go to a Big Man's event at a local gay bar this evening to socialize, but chose, instead, to hit the gym. The get-together will be every Sunday through the summer, so maybe I can be more organized and make next week's.

Father's Day

is next Sunday, and I found a book for my Dad that I think he will get a kick out of. It's by a writer from Sports Illustrated, and this guy signs on to caddy for some BIG names in the world of golf, as well as some big celebrities, and gets them to tell stories. Dad, being a golf FREAK, should dig it. It's called "Who's Your Caddy?" and will go into the mail tomorrow with a card, reminding him of what an amazing human being he is.

Poop Du Jour

Seriously, I had a bowel movement today that was kinda scary. Huge. Well formed and healthy, but unnatural in size. Long, it was. Have you ever been startled at something that came out of your butt?

Relax, I'm done. It's a fair question, but I'm sure you are disgusted with me. Sorry.

2008-06-06T23:47:00.001-05:00

TGIF!

No sound on this. But I think you can still hear the pain.

2008-06-02T00:58:00.002-05:00

~~Sunday Mop Up 06/01/02~~

Yes, I missed my deadline this week. Shoot me, 'k? It was a busy day. It's my Sunday MopUp on early Monday morning. Feel free to eat me if you have a problem with my timing.

Hippie Hollow

Austin has a place on the lake called Hippie Hollow. It's a "clothing optional" section of the lake. Yes, Austin has a nude beach. Well, it's really a nude part of the lake, there's no beach. Not even kinda. Turns out, it's on a part of the lake flanked by limestone cliffs and in order to navigate your happy ass to the water, you have to have the climbing skills of a mountain goat.

Let's all think back on my propensity of being a klutz and then try to imagine ME trying to walk on little, uneven, woodsy trails where one false step means you plummet to your death off of the cliff face and onto the jagged rocks below ( where naked people are spread-eagled and sunning themselves like big, weird lizards).

Yes, this was my Sunday afternoon, kids. Jimmy went to the nude beach. I have lived in this town since 1979 and I had never been before. I thought it was time. A friend invited me to meet him and a few friends and I couldn't really think of a good reason why I shouldn't experience this place.

And the reason turned out to be: because nudists are some crazy fucks.

Now, it's "clothing OPTIONAL", so there were many of us who remained in some type of attire. I, personally, kept my shorts and shoes on at all times. But LORDY there were some fierce ass cracks scaling those cliffs. Not just men, mind you. Women were all over the place as well. You would be walking down a trail and, out of nowhere, some naked guy would pop out from around the corner, all bronzed and flopping, or some woman would trot by, her brown boobs bouncing in the Texas sun.

I think it's strange to see a completely naked person in hiking boots, by the way. If your FEET need that kind of protection in the Texas brush, what kind of sense does it make to have your genitals waving at people passing by on a narrow trail surrounded by shit that could scrape and scratch and poke chunks of you? Why would anyone want to sit on the ground when it's covered in ants and gravelly bits? Texas has the Killer Bees, ya know.

And, if you are all proud of yourself for being a "Naturalist" , would you please leave the goddamned cellphone back up in the parking lot?

Do nudists fart around each other? Just wondering...

So, I spent about three hours in the blazing sun. I drank three beers and nearly fell to my death twice. It was fun. I went home proud of myself. For surviving, and for not getting an erection the entire afternoon.

Even though I bought a bottle of spray sunblock with an SPF of 75, I got fried. The part that hurts the most is on the top of my head. Yes, I didn't think to protect the place on my body where the protective hair of my youth is thinning to the point of non-existence.

I'm gonna be peeling like a leper in a few days. Should be gross.

2008-05-29T21:12:00.002-05:00

Quick Update

Just back from Houston for another freaking fill of the lapband. Half a cc this time, I shit you not. I go back in four weeks for another half.

The great news is that I've dropped 5 pounds in the last two weeks. That takes me to 55 pounds since this process began. It's been slow-going after the initial loss from the liquid diet, but I appear to be picking up some momentum. All credit goes to the treadmill, that Machine Of Death, of course.

Speaking of which, my surgeon noticed my blistered toes on my left foot, while I was up on the exam table. He admonished me when I told him I hadn't seen my primary care physician about the condition of the foot. See, I kinda ripped it the fuck up when I forgot to bring a pair of socks with me to the gym last week and I worked out in shoes without socks. Yes, I am a Dumbass.

I've got some seriously blistered areas that need to heal. Not a good thing for a diabetic! So, I called and made an appt to see the doc while stuck in Houston traffic on my way home to Austin this afternoon. I'll see him tomorrow morning at 10:30AM.

But, back to my success, please: FIVE MORE POUNDS! YAY!

I love you all, both individually and collectively, and not in a sexual way (unless you want me to).

2008-05-25T12:55:00.002-05:00

Sunday MopUp 05/25/08

I Gots Company!

Can't really talk this week, as I have a houseguest. The Chubby Avenger is down from Dallas and hanging out at Casa Del Jimbo for a few days. He hasn't ever really spent any time in Austin, I am being a tour guide. We're having fun. But, there is ONE thing I wanted to mention...

WTF, Dudettes?

Was working out yesterday at the YMCA, and a woman got on a treadmill a few machines down from me. We could see each other in the mirrored wall in front of us. The woman was very fit, obviously an accomplished runner, cuz she was WORKIN that treadmill, but I was completely distracted because she was working out IN A MINISKIRT!

Ladies, seriously, what in the hell is up with this? Surely it is inappropriate workout attire, yes? Is this a person who WANTS to attract attention, sexually, to herself? I have to tell you, I was transfixed, staring at her large muscular thighs, striding relentlessly. I could not help but watch as the little flap of material that she was trying to pass off as a skirt bounced and danced about her crotch. Yes, I'm gay, but I sincerely wanted to bend her over the arm rails of that treadmill and lick her sweaty parts. She caught me staring, and beamed at me with pride.

Bitch gets off to turning on old, fat fucks in the workout room? Good grief! Seems pretty desperate to me, a hot woman like that needing to show off in such a way.

And, it reminded me how much I miss cunnilingus.

Who knew?

2008-05-21T20:18:00.005-05:00

Dick-less Video

(entitled such onna counta Dick Small not being able to watch and all...)

Meet Travis and Jonathon and view their latest "Red State Update" on the California GayMarriage issue:

These guys are a HOOT! Check out this one...if the above wasn't gay enough for ya:

I'm gonna see if I can subscribe to them, because this stuff just makes me roar.

Okay, one last one. Since it's about Bears and all:

2008-05-18T12:27:00.002-05:00

Sunday MopUp 05/18/08

Can't spend too much time yapping today, friends. I got places to go, people to do. Let me try to spit out what has been going on in Jamesville this past week. I call it my Sunday MopUp, and it's sanitized for your protection (language excluded).

Jim-Nastics

I am becoming more confident on the treadmill. That's not to say that I don't have to COMPLETELY pay attention when on the bitch, but there have been no further accidents and I am enjoying myself.

I have pushed my time to a full hour - that's SIXTY minutes, people - on it, at the lumbering and pathetic speed of 2.5 mph. And I am doing this 5 times a week. I sweat like a whore in church, but it's not too much for me to handle. I'm pretty proud of myself at this point. After a full hour on the treadmill, I rinse off in the shower and then crawl into the hot tub for about 20 minutes. Seems like a good idea to soak my chaffed thighs for a bit. Oh, tmi? Sorry.

Back To Houston

Had my second fill of the lapband on Thursday. Drove three hours to Houston, waited an hour to see the doctor, only to get the whopping sum of 1cc of saline added into the band. I'm frustrated. I have to go back the Thursday after Memorial Day weekend to get another cc. Let's remember that each trip requires that I take a day off of work, drive three hours there, three hours back, and about 70 bucks in gasoline.

I still am not feeling that "full feeling" after eating, which means I have to keep going back until I hit that point. I'm trying to use this time to ratchet up my exercise routine and keep my focus there, but I'm pretty pissy about this process. I want what I want when I want it. Think that attitude is why I am in the condition I am in, in the first place? Yeah, me too.

The Return Of DQ

I haven't seen the young man since our "date" just over two weeks ago. I've been busy at work and, I have to admit, I needed some space. But, after these weeks, I am ready to see him again, and he is on his way over right about now. We'll spend some time messing up the bed and then, when he goes home, I'll strip it and start the new week with fresh sheets. I might even take him out for a bit of dinner after our romp. We'll see.

Here It Goes Again

In telling my story about falling off the treadmill, a coworker reminded me of the OK GO video from last year. I know everyone has seen it by now, but it was fun to look at it again, now that I am so aware of how treacherous the fuckers are. So, I thought I'd post it again. Enjoy!

2008-05-11T09:50:00.006-05:00

Sunday MopUp 05/11/08

YAY! It's Sunday! The coffee is kicking in, the laundry is washing away, my iPod is syncing up, and I feel a productive poop looming in my future! Welcome to my Sunday MopUp. Be sure and ask your server about the Hard Nipple Discount. No coupon required!

Gym-y City

When last I left off, I had taken a swan dive off the ass end of a treadmill at the YMCA and twisted my back, an ankle, banged up my shin in about three places, and probably screamed like a little girl as I thought I was falling to my death (can't really be sure about that last part - just a hunch).

Well, the next day I was back up on that horse and was determined to conquer any further fear of the thing. My lesson from the fall was to not allow anything to distract me from focusing on what I was doing: left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot... always being aware of where they are falling upon the tread, making sure I don't slow down and creep to the back of the machine. If the iPod offers a tune that is not to my liking at that particular moment: tough tits, mister! I vowed to never attempt to DJ and exercise at the same time. Cuz, let's face it, walking and chewing gum is a trick I never really mastered.

I did fine the next day. And the next.

[deep sigh of relief]

So, Friday night I head to the gym right after work. If there is a "slow" night at the Y, it's on Friday night. I guess everyone goes out and parties that night, drinking up all those calories that they spend the entire previous week burning up. To each his/her own. Point is, I nearly had the place to myself.

When I went into the locker room it was empty, but I heard a shower running in the communal shower room, just off the locker room. The shower area is separated from the locker area by a big, tiled area (for drying off), and a glass door. The intention is for you to shower and dry off in these areas, so that the locker area (carpeted) remains mostly dry. Through this glass door you can see into the shower area from the locker area and vice-versa, however the door in between tends to fog up pretty well from all the hot water being used to scrub those sweaty bodies down. As I passed by this glass door, I glanced into the showers. All I could see was a hairy, beefy butt through the foggy door, as someone was standing under a shower head and was largely out of view.

Nice ass! I said to myself. And this informed my decision as to where to choose my locker for that day. I picked a locker that afforded me the opportunity to stand and dress in front of it and still be in the line of sight of the shower door.

Now look, I want it understood that I do NOT go to the gym to hook-up. In fact, I chose to get a membership at the YMCA because it is so UNcruisable. The gym of today is the gay bar of the 80s. It is where the hot, gay guys go to meet and hook up. I have had many conversations with homos who tell stories of hot man-sex in the steam room and the shower and the locker room and the handball court and the swimming pool of nearly all the franchised gyms in this town. Those fitness clubs that are open 24 hours? Wanna guess what is going on in there in the middle of the night?

Me, I'd rather work out with the blue-haired women and the Mexican families and keep my mind on what I am there for: the Work Out. Who needs the rejection and the judgement from a bunch of perfectly sculpted bodies with elitist attitudes? No thanks.

That being said, however, let's face it: I'm a gay man and one of the motivating factors in getting my fat ass to the gym is the opportunity to lay eyes upon naked men. I admit it, okay? Trust me here, I don't stare or even make much eye contact, I'm not overly friendly. I am careful not to be inappropriate in ANY way, but in any and all events, I am completely aware that I am surrounded by naked flesh, and I LIKE it. If you think I've never had the fantasy of a hot locker room sex scene, you are friggin' nuts. But it's just a fantasy.

So, positioning myself in the locker area so that I can get a fleeting glimpse, here and there, of a hairy butt getting soaped up is about as cruisey as I would ever get at the YMCA. Never a look long enough to arouse me (God forbid!), but certainly a little visual reminder of why going to the gym aint that bad an idea can't be a horrible thing. Right?

Well, I find a good place to set up shop and begin undressing. As I am taking off my street shoes, I glance in the direction of the shower again. This time, the hairy buns have changed into a full man. The guy had stepped into the center of the shower area and was facing out. The Full Monty.

I immediately averted my eyes, but in that nano-second my Gay Terminator brain could determine the following:

*Young guy, mid-to-late twenties

*5'7" to 5'8"

*Tiniest paunch of a belly. Weight guesstimate: 170 pounds.

*Full head of jet black hair, longish by today's standards. Thick eyebrows, bordering on uni-brow. Coarse chest hair on his pecs, hair around his navel. Treasure trail leading to his crotch. Cock that looked like the faucet of my bathtub. Nice!

* Thick, tree trunk legs, covered in dark, wet fur.

As I was running and compiling this analysis, I was back to undressing myself.

As my work shirt came off, I looked up momentarily again. To my shock and amazement, he was still standing in the middle of the area, still looking out in my direction. But this time, he had begun soaping and lathering up his crotch. He was making big, deliberate circles in and around his crotch. Things swung and flopped as he worked.

I looked away within two seconds. My mind began racing.

Holy SHIT! This guy is showing off for me! He is looking out into the locker area, he MUST see me here, and he is posing and displaying his cock to me!

The speed at which I was undressing/dressing slowed down considerably. Hey, I told you that I can't do two things at once! I needed to think this through! Instead of pulling clothes off and cramming them into the locker, I began folding my clothes and placing them into the gym bag. I needed time here. Was what I thought was going on REALLY happening?

I looked up again. Still, with the cock washing! His legs were spread a bit and he was getting WAY back there, from the looks of it. The fucker was ALL frothed up. Soapy, bubbly goodness!He was still in the center of the room, away from the shower head, and facing directly into the locker area. Directly at me. I gulped hard, began to perspire, and looked back at my locker.

Holy SHIT! This can't be an accident. I can't be reading this wrong! Look, it's Friday night, the place is a morgue. Maybe this kid knows that the best time for hot GymSex Fantasy Fullfillment for Fat Fuckers is Friday night at the YMCA. What should I do? Maybe I should make eye contact, just to let him know that I know he knows that I know!

I looked up again, and he was still there, the soaping exercise had moved up his chest and he was lathering his pecs. He seemed to be swirling lather around his nipples, staring out at me.

I looked at him, fully. I held his gaze for ten, maybe fifteen seconds. I nodded at him, smiling.

He didn't respond in any way whatsoever. He just kept rhythmically soaping up in a circular fashion and staring out at me. It seemed to me that his cock was engorging a bit. Dude, it was impressive, his cock.

What the FUCK? Maybe this guy is just a tease and he wants to freak me out or show me what I can't have.

-(Gay guys can be like that. Look at me! Look at what YOU'LL never get!)-

Or, maybe this is some kinda sting operation! Yeah! Maybe he's trying to get me to make some kind of move, and then arrest me, or have me thrown out of the facility! He's just taking a shower, for cryin' out loud. Maybe he's an undercover cop on Shower Patrol! What should I DO?!?

I looked up again and this time he had his back to me, still in the center of the shower area, and he had begun soaping up his ass crack. Up and down, he scrubbed into that crack. Deep into that crack. Slowly, methodically. I was HYPnotized.

This time I had to look away for fear of getting hard. I looked around the locker room, I was still in there all by myself. Not a single other soul was around. How easy would it be to just strip down and walk into the shower? Pretty easy. I could just soap up and get next to him and see if he starts talking to me. Chatting while showering is something straight men rarely do with each other. Strictly business, the communal shower, ya know...

Jim, I reminded myself, you are here to work out. Exercise. You are not here to hook up, or have Hot Gay Sex in the shower with a stud with a cock the size of a kitchen appliance! Knock it off and get into the gym!

I looked again. He had vanished off to one side of the room. Obviously, it was time to finally rinse off. Maybe he had given up on luring me into the shower and had lost interest. I finally pulled my work out shorts on and looked into the shower one last time. No sign of any part of him.

Fine.

I fired up the iPod and headed to the Equipment room. Completely deserted. Just me and four treadmills, five stationary bikes, a rowing machine, some ellipticals, and a bunch of weight stations. I turned on a treadmill and started walking.

As I walked, I kept wondering about that guy.

He took forever to soap up, maybe he needed to rinse off longer. Maybe he stepped back after rinsing off and was disappointed to see that I had left. Maybe he thinks I wasn't interested. Sure, I smiled and nodded at him, but maybe that wasn't enough of an acknowledgement. He had, after all, been helicoptering his genitals in my direction, maybe I didn't respond strongly enough...

Yes, folks, this is life in my head. Aint it pathetic?

I decided the thing to do was to give him a few minutes. Give him enough time so that he simply MUST be out of the shower, dried off, and in the locker area. Then I would just act like I needed something out of my gym bag, return to the locker room, and see if he says anything to me. If he doesn't, I just fumble in the bag for a second, then come back out here and get on with my work out. No harm, no foul. Let's give this fantasy one last chance.

So, twelve minutes on the treadmill later, and I bolt off of it and head back to the locker room, patting and fumbling with the pockets of my shorts, like I was missing something.

As I approached the entrance to the locker room, I noticed a guy sitting on the bench, just outside the entryway. He hadn't been there earlier, But immediately my gaydar went off. This guy had the total gay gym rat look of the type that you find in the 24 hour facilities during the off-hours. You know the look: perfect haircut, product in place, Nautica t-shirt, ripped off sleeves, showing a tribal tattoo in a band around a bicep, five day growth of beard, perfectly trimmed and framing his chiseled jaw. This guy was checking his watch and looking up and toward the locker room. In other words, he was the boyfriend of the Shower Stud and he was waiting for his man to get dressed so that they could get to the disco before the drink specials ended for the night.

I was disappointed to be sure, but still wanted to know if I was reading Shower Stud correctly or not, so I continued into the locker room to see what would happen. When I stepped in, I found the Stud standing at the row of sinks along one wall within the locker area. He face was lathered with shaving soap and he had about half of his face done. When I walk in, he smiled big a me.

I walked to my locker and opened it up, jubilant.

He smiled at me! I KNEW it! This guy was flirting and showing off to me! I wonder if he knows the boyfriend is waiting just outside...

I heard the other guy come into the locker room and say, loudly:

"Charlie, are you okay? Is everything all right? We have to get going pretty soon. Everyone is waiting for us at the Wing Stop. you don't want to miss your CHICKEN WINGS, now do you?"

And Charlie, the Shower Stud, replied:

"Look, Robbie! I am SHAVING all by myself! I TOLD you I could shower and shave all by myself now! I am doing a GOOD job!"

Uh huh.

Robbie said "Yes, Charlie, you are doing a VERY good job! But hurry up now, we've got to get going! We have to have some dinner before the bus takes us back to the school. Remember to shave WITH the grain of your beard. Yes, just like that! Can you even see what you are doing? You can't see ten feet in front of you without your glasses. Where are your glasses, Charlie? Did you lose your glasses?"

"I see Charlie and I see Robbie!" the Shower Stud pronounced loudly and gleefully. And then he fell silent again as he concentrated on shaving WITH the grain of his beard.

I closed my locker and headed back to the treadmill, shaking my head. I had been trying to cruise someone who was mentally retarded.

I got back on the treadmill and began to walk. I was scolding myself.

That what you get for trying to turn the gym into a sex club, you idiot! What is the rule? NEVER cruise at the gym! Never. Ever!

And that was my mantra with each step :

Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never. Never...

And I walked for 45 minutes before I stopped for the night.

2008-05-06T21:32:00.002-05:00

Workout Update

I've added treadmill to my routine now. Just a little walking in place, right? What's the big fucking deal, huh?

Tonight I pulled a "George Jetson" and fell off the back end of it. Yes, backwards and into a rowing machine that was behind me, minding its own bidness. I ended up on my face six feet behind the treadmill.

Thank God no one was directly behind me. I would have killed them.

My left knee is a little twisted, my left shin is slightly swollen, and I think I wrenched my lower back.

Good times!

2008-05-04T14:05:00.006-05:00

Sunday MopUp 05/04/08

The coffee is already coursing through my veins, the laundry is well past the unmanageable stage, and I'm pretty much dressed for jumping into the truck and heading to the YMCA for my dose of "I Fucking Hate To Exercise!" for the day. But first, I must get past the weekly recounting of the banal dribble that makes up my existence - otherwise known as my Sunday MopUp.

Date With DQ On Friday

We met here at my place, where he brought an overnight bag with him (seems drag queens go NOWHERE without several change of clothes. Just in case{insert eyeroll here}).

When he arrived, I was upstairs in the shower. He came in and pulled the shower curtain back and watched me clean up, which was kinda hot. I invited him in, but he refused, having just gotten out of his own shower at his house. After I toweled off, I asked him if he would do me a big favor and give me a little "trim" in my nether regions. A bit of manscaping, if you will.

Now, I'm all about hairiness on men, but keeping your bush under control is all about hygiene, in my book. The less hair there, the less opportunity for stinkage to accrue. Uh oh, look who has gone and gotten all gross right off the bat. Sorry.

Anyways, who better to attend to a little sculpting of my topiary than a guy whose expertise is the shaving of body hair? Isn't this me embracing who DQ is, and trying to integrate our lifestyles a bit? Also, I thought it would be a great way to have an intimate moment without it turning completely sexual. And, my friends, it worked.

He happily took my clippers and buzzed me, fondling and caressing me as he worked. Okay, he kissed it here and there as he focused on the job at hand, but it never disintegrated into actual sex.

It was fun. It was sexy. It never turned into sex, but I DID insist that he be naked as he did it. Just to up the Tease Factor. I think it was a nice way to start off the evening. It made him fidget, it made me laugh, and I've got a better looking crotch for it. A win-win situation. I jumped back into the shower for a quick rinse afterwards, while he put his clothes back on.

He announced he was hungry and we decided to hit a restaurant. I wanted steak, but the steakhouse was PACKED, so we drove into the countryside in the direction of where I planned to spend some time with him for the evening and looked for options. We came across a Chili's and decided to stop.

Now, all during the drive, the conversation was about his performing as a drag queen. Kids, I shit you not, I was not the one continually bringing the subject up. It's like it's the only thing he wants to talk about. Now, I ask you: why would he do this if he KNOWS that I am uncomfortable with the topic? Does he enjoy watching me squirm? Is this some kind of test?

I have a dear friend, The Chubby Avenger, who thinks not. He thinks this is DQ just doing what he does: obsessing about his fetish. The Avenger calls it a neurosis. There is a psychological term for it. The Avenger has dropped it on me several times, but I think I am mentally blocking it out, so I don't Google it and actually LEARN something. I suck.

So, we had some dinner: we shared some lettuce wraps of grilled chicken and water chestnuts and carrots with peanut sauce and sesame oil sauce. Then we both had a burger. I drank water, and he ordered a margarita. As he sipped his drink, the conversation turned to how he thinks he might have alcoholic tendencies. Very attractive. I hate drunks. Then, somehow he managed to tell me that his apartment is covered in pictures of himself. All dressed up. He made it a point to stress that the photos were EVERYwhere. He seemed very proud.

Yes. Great.

After dinner, we got back in my truck and I took him out to Sex Mountain, a favorite spot of mine out in the country where it is quiet, and secluded, and beautiful. In the Texas Spring, it is cool, and there are no bugs, and the stars are just brilliant. I love it there, and sometimes go out just to sit and meditate.

We sat up there and talked for about a while, and necked and, since we were the only ones up there, we had sex under the stars, in the night breeze. This was me trying to be romantic, but it might have just come off as me acting like a teenage horndawg. He seemed to enjoy it, but spent a LOT of time freaking out that we were outside. He kept commenting on dark it was. I got the hint, and we left in about an hour. I also was completely aware by now that, other than talking about how great a drag queen he is (he has won many, many trophies), and besides talking about our jobs, we don't have much to talk about. I swear, when I try to talk about other things with him, his eyes start to glaze over. I played some music that I am listening to on the stereo as we drove. He couldn't have cared less.

The sexual chemistry is there. I really enjoy sex with this guy. It's everything else that seems to be the problem.

The drive back to town was uncomfortable, because he kept yawning and talking about how tired he was. Now, granted, he had been awake since the crack of dawn on Friday morning, but this is a guy who goes out drinking until all hours on a usual Friday night. What was different about this Friday night? For one, he wasn't drinking. And, secondly, he wasn't dressed up in public. In short - he was bored.

That's my guess, anyway.

So, I HAD intended to go out to a club with him after Sex Mountain, but he kept saying how tired he was, so we went back to my place. We crawled into bed and fooled around for about an hour and fell asleep. Good news there: he doesn't snore (much) and isn't a bed hog. Big relief.

We were up at 9AM Saturday and out the door by 9:45. He drove off in one direction, while I drove in another, meeting my best friend, his wife, and my best friend's teenage daughter to catch "Ironman" at the matinee. DQ showed no interest in seeing it, although I didn't really invite him. At this point, I had had enough and needed my life back. Besides, he had "rehearsal" to go to at noon [insert another eyeroll here]. [Sorry. I said I suck, okay?]

Ironman

Okay, Robert Downey, Jr. totally made this a fun movie. His snarkiness was used to maximum benefit and I giggled all the way through it. It was worth the price of admission alone just to see the scenes where he is trying to figure out how to fly in the suit. I'm not a Gwenyth Paltrow fan, but Jeff Bridges was really very good in it as well. He's an actor I can watch in just about anything.

I canNOT wait for "The Dark Knight"!

Next weekend, we will get together for a Saturday matinee of "Speed Racer". Also on tap this summer will be the Batman movie, "The Incredible Hulk", "Indiana Jones", and about 4 others that I can't remember right now. It's Will's call as to what we'll see.

Stay tuned!

2008-04-30T07:57:00.003-05:00

What Did YOU Do Last Night?

Me? I went out to dinner with DQ, where we actually sat and talked and got to know each other instead of moving directly into sex.

He's such a sweet kid. By "kid", I mean he's 32. Compared to how old I am, that makes him a freaking fetus. In fishnets.

We're going to go out on Friday night. He keeps talking about wanting to see the leather bar that is the ONLY gay bar I go to in this town. I'm not sure I can do that yet: mingle with him amongst the guys I know there. He also wants me to see his drag show on Sunday night. REALLY not sure if I can handle THAT yet.

I am fully aware that I am coming off here as a judgemental, holier-than-thou prick. Trust me, I am conflicted to Hell and back about this stuff, and I am not proud of my prejudices.

We had dinner, and we spent two hours with our clothes on, talking about ourselves. It was nice. When we left, he got into his car, and I got into my truck, and we went our separate ways.

2008-04-29T09:53:00.003-05:00

I Know, It's An Old Joke

Still makes me laugh, tho'...

2008-04-27T12:29:00.002-05:00

Sunday MopUp 04/27/08

It's a rainy, windy, and cool day here in Central Texas, so I have windows and doors open, I am laundering a week's worth of socks, shirts, sheets, towels, and grundersnorts in preparation for another week of Corporate Enslavement while I ingest massive quantities of Starbuck's coffee (Pike's Place beans this week, by the way), and compose run-on sentences like this one.

I call it my Sunday MopUp. If you notice any bio hazard sitting around that I might be overlooking, feel free to pitch it in the trash over there. Thanks!

The "Productive Belch"

I mentioned last week that I have now experienced the phenomena of regurgitating food due to my half-assed, only partially inflated, lap band. I promised to tell you more about it, which is sure to disgust most, if not all, of you (well, except for Sue, who apparently digs this kinda information). So, feel free to skip this part if you are prone to squeamishness about bodily functions. The good news is that this will have nothing to do with Butt Sex or homosexual frottage. I hope that is a comfort, at least.

Okay, so the whole point of the lap-band is to constrict the stomach just below the esophagus, creating a little pouch that holds about a half cup of food at any one time. You fill this pouch, get the "full" sensation, which reminds you to stop eating, and you spend several hours after eating waiting for the food to pass through the passageway that the band has created. If you overeat and fill the pouch too full, you will puke up whatever the pouch cannot hold. This vomiting is referred to as a "productive belch", which makes me laugh every time someone uses the term. Putting lipstick on a pig, if ya ask me. Ya hurl. Upchuck. Spew. Simple enough concept.

Another reason to retch is due to the fact that you have not chewed the food you are eating to the point that it can pass the band, and it gets stuck in the pouch, creating blockage. Food trapped in the pouch which cannot pass into the lower stomach can be expected to come back up. This is why, although my band isn't filled enough to really give me the pouch yet, I have to practice how I chew and eat now. I have a little time to get used to how THOROUGHLY I must now chew when I eat. And, after nearly fifty years of inhaling and barely tasting food as I stuff it down my gullet, this is proving to be a bit of a challenge.

The Monday after my first fill, I was back at work, and went out with my co-workers to lunch. They wanted to do a buffet, which annoys me, but they chose a buffet that had a pretty big salad bar, so I agreed to go. I piled a huge mound of salady stuff on my plate: lettuce, spinach, chopped egg, red onion, mushrooms, cucumber, shaved carrot, a little cauliflower, some bell pepper...that kinda stuff. Low fat dressing topped it. I then went to the grill area and got myself a piece of chicken. Skinless breast. Hot off the grill. Yay, me!

As I was eating the salad, I was careful to chew well, and focus on what I was doing. Everything was going smoothly. After all, I don't have an actual pouch yet, I don't have much to worry about. This is PRACTICE, right?

Well, as I'm eating and building up steam and relaxing about the process, I decide to try some of the chicken. I cut into the breast and pop a big forkful into my mouth. When it hit my tongue, I realized that the meat was, indeed, hot off the grill. I chewed a few times, but suddenly was worried that I was burning the inside of my mouth. Without thinking, I just swallowed.

I knew it was a mistake the moment AFTER I did it.

It went down into my stomach easily enough. But once there, it just stayed there. Was it big enough to block a passage that isn't even small enough to create a pouch yet? Well, if it WAS blocking, then I DID have a pouch, at this particular minute, didn't I?

I panicked a bit and drank some water, which filled the pouch, but didn't push the chicken down. It only made things worse. I stood up from the table and raised my arms high, lacing my hands behind my head, in a kind of stretching motion. Didn't help.

By the way, I'd like to address this concept of "feeling full", which is what this band is supposed to make you feel. Now, up to this point, I had not experienced what "feeling full" meant, because everything I ate was falling into my lower stomach. Well, I certainly was feeling it now, and it isn't anything like the full feeling a normal person gets when eating a satisfying meal.

See, for YOU folks, "feeling full" can be a pleasant, satisfying feeling in the lower stomach. You have a full belly: it might make you sleepy, it might make you a little inflexible, but beyond a little "bloated", it isn't that big of a deal. Right?

Well, "feeling full" to a person with a lap-band is different. To begin with, the feeling occurs UP HIGH, like just under your solar plexus, and it is a very UNcomfortable feeling. Like heartburn, or nausea.

At this point, the "feel feeling" was a warning to me that I was going to be sick. I went to the men's room and positioned myself over the toilet. Thank God it was a clean restroom. Nothing worse that having to puke into...nevermind...

I puked. Well, I "productively belched".

Here's the thing. When a regular person pukes, they are bringing up acids from the lower part of the stomach. It stinks, it burns, it HURTS to get that stuff up from way down there. When a lap band patient pukes, only the pouch retches, NOT the whole stomach, and you only bring up whatever the problem was. If you overate by a few bites, you will only puke those extra bites up. If you are puking because something is stuck, once the blockage is expelled, you are fine.

And that's what I did. I puked up a chunk of chicken.

And then I was all better. But, boy, I was done with lunch, let me tell you!

It has happened to me twice now. Once at the buffet, and once at home, when I wasn't paying close attention to how well I was chewing. I suspect that when I go back to the doctor to get my second fill, on May 15th, I may have enough of a pouch effect that I will need to pay VERY strict attention to how I eat.

Other Things

* Went to the local leather bar last night. Received attention from three different guys and I am simply amazed. Really motivates me to keep losing. Met one guy who kept calling me "sir". Not a turn-on for me. But he WAS all over my nipples, which I didn't mind at all.

* Saw the drag queen again last week. Told him that we needed to slow down, that his lifestyle is an issue for me, and that I was conflicted about what to do about it. He said he understood, and then we had sex. Good grief!

* I have begun watching the Oprah and Eckhart Tolle podcasts of the webinar for "A New Earth" on iTunes and I am enjoying them. Lots of this stuff is Psychology 101 and not new, but I am appreciating Oprah's intent on reaching out to her following. I completely believe in the concepts being discussed and, although I have adopted many of them already in my life through the years, it's great to consider stepping the process up and strive to be more Spiritual in everyday life.

There are 8 episodes so far. There will be 15 in total. I'm just on Episode 3, and it will take a few weeks to catch up. Anybody else out there watching this?

2008-04-26T10:26:00.001-05:00

Public Service Announcement Saturday

glumbert - How to talk to black people

2008-04-22T21:28:00.002-05:00

Why I Haven't Mentioned The Lap-Band Lately

I was all stoked to go to Houston on April 11th and get my first " fill" in my lap-band, right? I was pretty excited, because I was under the impression that I would go, the band would be filled, therefore the pouch would be created, and I would be on my way to a highly restrictive diet.

Well, it doesn't work that way.

Turns out I took the entire day off of work, drove 3 hours to Houston (using about 75 bucks of gasoline there and back), paid for parking, paid for an office visit, only to find out that this "first fill" was just that: the initial INCREMENTAL injection of saline into the band. My band holds 14cc's of saline, people. Care to guess how much they filled the band?

3 cc's.

I have to go BACK to Houston on May 15th and get another "fill" of a few more cc's. This process could take anothe couple of MONTHS!

Argh!

See, since no one can actually SEE into my stomach to see what is going on, the doctor fills the band little by little. With each fill, the stomach swells a little bit in response, and they don't want to over-inflate the thing and accidentally cut off any chance of ANYthing from passing.

So, right now, I don't even HAVE the "pouch" yet. I've got a shelf. When I eat, I can feel the food hit the backboard and drop into the bucket (it's a basketball metaphor, kids). Which, by the way, feels freaky. But, look, I'm not getting the sensation of feeling "full" when I eat a half cup of stuff. My appetite is not being supressed at ALL right now.

So, I'm not happy about it, and I feel like I've put on a bunch of weight (which I haven't). So, I've decided to go BACK on the liquid diet, and maybe have a little bit of real food now and then, until the next fill.

And THAT'S why I haven't been writing about it. I'm annoyed with the process.

Remind me to tell you about what puking up food is like with this thing sometime. Yes, it has happened.

2008-04-20T22:01:00.004-05:00

Sunday MopUp 04/20/08

It's late. I'm cranky. I'm confused. Welcome to my Sunday MopUp. It'll all be over in a minute.

My Screwed Up Social Life

I got all excited about a new friend two weeks ago, which isn't working out. Last week I went out twice with another new friend who I realized is a professional drag queen. When I freaked about what he does, he assured me that it is "just a job". Well, on Friday, I was told that he and his friends were going out "partying" because they all had the night off (from the drag show) . And, they were going to "dress up".

Does that sound like "just a job" to you?

Don't you hate people who type "in quotations" all the time?

Look, I have a hard time dealing with guys who shave their legs (okay, almost their whole fucking bodies), pluck their eyebrows, wear pancake makeup, and pretend they are women. I admit it. But, I am trying to look beyond my prejudice and accept people for who they are. When I met this guy, I knew it was going to be a challenge. He is a super sweet man, who is generous and fun.

But, I'm not sure I can do this. "Just a job" my ass. Don't lie to me.

I avoided the drag queen, I avoided the new friend, and I avoided Sexual Chocolate. I wanted to be left alone. So, I hid.

And I feel creepy about it.

The Pope

was a pain in my ass all week. My department is responsible for capturing the news feed of His Holy Rectum, recording every event that he breathed at in New York City, encoding it into a digital file, packaging it, and distributing it to cable divisions in Dallas, Waco, San Antonio, and El Paso (as well as here locally) so that good little Catholics all across the state can witness, on Video On Demand, the historic (yawn!) event.

His butt is finally back on a plane to Italy tonight. Organized religion kills, people. Organized Religion kills people, people! Here's my "news feed" for ya. Listen up:

Attention! You DO NOT NEED a middleman in order to have a relationship with your Higher Power.

If Jesus were here today, he wouldn't be a "Christian".

...just sayin'...

Good Grief, Jim, Just Play A Video!

Here's a little something for everyone but Dick Small.

Here's a little trivia: The female voice on this track is the singer from the video posted below. Cool, huh?

2008-04-19T12:17:00.000-05:00

I Love Weird Music Videos!

2008-04-16T22:00:00.002-05:00

Say WHAT?!?

Last night I went on a SECOND date with a drag queen.

Shut the fuck up.

Seriously, I have no idea what is happening!

2008-04-14T03:23:00.005-05:00

"Say"

John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor

Every little past frustration

Take all of your so called problems

Better put 'em in quotations.

Say what you need to say

Walkin' like a one man army

Fightin' with the shadows in your head

Livin' up the same old moment

Knowin' you'd be better off instead

If you could only...

Say what you need to say

Have no fear for givin' in

Have no fear for giving over

You better know that in the end

It's better to say too much

than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking

And your faith is broken

Even as the eyes are closin'

Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say

[It's the last stanza that hits me in the gut. Powerful. Beautiful.]

2008-04-13T12:12:00.003-05:00

Sunday MopUp 04/13/08

The bed linens are in the laundry, getting all bleached and freshened. I'm tanked on coffee and have all the windows and doors to the house wide open, soaking up the crisp, Spring air. I'm happy to be alive; I love the world and the Weirdness in which it entangles me. This aint Breakfast at Tiffany's (even though I feel like a million bucks), it's just my "Sunday MopUp".

Snap, Crackle, Pop

When we last spoke, I was headed over to watch Sexual Chocolate play in a gay volleyball tournament last week. I had made a new friend earlier in the weekend, who expressed interest in going as well. As I got my shit together here at Casa Del Jimbo, I called The New Friend to see if he still wanted to attend:

"Hello?" he answered his cell phone, in the middle of a loud racket in the background.

"Hi, it's me, Jim! Just checking to see if you still wanted to go to the volleyball tourny to watch SC?"

"Ummm...sure." Bang, bang, clatter, clatter, clatter.

"Oookay, well the first game is at 2:30. Do you want to just meet up there then?"

"Well," he said "I was just talking to Sexual Chocolate and he told me that the first game isn't until 4:30." In the background, someone was talking over an intercom. Wait, he said he had talked to Sexual Chocolate today? What?

"Oh. You talked to him? Okay, then, how about we meet there at about quarter after four?"

"Yeah," Bang, clatter, shuffle, crunch "We were just on the phone."

"Oh. I see." I replied "I guess I didn't know you two were close friends."

"Well, I'm at the car wash with his car right now."

"You are at the car wash with HIS car?"

"Yeah. It's a long story."

(pregnant pause)"So, I'll see you at the bar at abour 4:15 then?"

"Sure."

And we hung up.

I get to the bar just before the game begins, and I see SC warming up with his teammates. Folks, gay volleyball is quite a sight. Butch looking men, butch looking women, and some serious queens sporting serious bling as they grunt and swear and giggle and cackle at each other. I bought a beer ($3.75 for a bottle of domestic!), and settled under an awning to watch the circus. Sexual Chocolate didn't know I was there, and there was no sign of The New Friend.

The match hadn't been underway more than 10 minutes when SC made a move to one side too quickly and a loud POP! was heard all the way over into the sidelines. SC fell into the sand, grasping his left knee. Lesbians descended upon him with ice packs and a medical kit immediately. Everyone watching turned to each other and mumbled things like "Did you hear it snap? I heard it snap!", and "That's a ligament!", and "Holy shit, that must hurt!"

The lesbians scooped him up and propped him up on the far side of the field in a lawn chair with ice packs and play resumed. I used this opportunity to make my way around the edge of the field to get to him. He seemed pleased that I had made it.

"Did you just get here?" he asked.

"A few minutes before your bowl of Rice Krispies," I replied.

"Huh?"

"Snap, Crackle, Pop!"

"Oh, yeah. Well, it happens."

"We need to get you to an Emergency Room."

"No way. I don't have medical insurance. I need to get home, but my car isn't here yet."

"I called TNF (the new friend) and he said he was coming, but I don't see him." I said.

"Yeah, well, he's probably still at the car wash."

"Right. And, WHY is he at the car wash with your Jeep?"

"Because we went out drinking last night and he vomitted all over the inside of it on the way home."

Okay. Sexual Chocolate, the aggressive top chaser who is always trying to get into MY pants, went out drinking with a new friend of mine who seemed really into ME just on Friday night.

"You asked TNF to go out drinking with you last night?"

"No." He said, matter-of-factly, "HE called ME."

It's Sunday afternoon and things seem to have changed pretty quickly.

I went to my truck, got my cellphone and called TNF. He was still at the car wash.

"Still there?" I asked.

"Yep..."

"SC told me what happened."

"Oh, God! I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't be. These things happen. But, the news is that SC has turned his knee. People here seem to think it's his ACL and he needs to get home."

"I don't know how much longer this will take. I'm having the entire interior detailed."

"Well, how about I come by and wait with you? When the Jeep is finished you can follow me back here to the bar."

"That would be great!"

I checked in with SC, who wanted to watch more of the tourny, and I left for the car wash. When I got there, I found TNF in the lobby with a sheepish look on his face.

"So, when you want to go out drinking Sexual Chocolate is your go-to guy?" I asked. I'll admit it, my feelings were hurt that he hadn't at least ASKED me if I wanted to go out.

"I guess so. Man, I feel bad about all of this."

"Well," I said, "This is why I stopped drinking. I don't miss those years."

And then he looked me right in the eye and said:

"Well, I have a few more of "those years" left in me."

We got the Jeep back to the bar, loaded SC into my truck, and TNF followed us back to SC's place in the Jeep. We got SC comfortable on the livingroom sofa, with his leg propped up and iced down. I checked the freezer to make sure there was plenty of ice for future use. We put his laptop close so that he could cruise the internet.

TNF wanted to catch some dinner together, so I took him to a favorite Mexican joint and we ate. I took him back to get his car at the bar and we went our separate ways.

This was all last Sunday, a week ago, mind you. I checked in with SC last night and found out that the two of them went out again on Friday night. Things got chaotic then as well. I'll spare you the details.

SC's knee is doing better. He has a brace for it, never went to the hospital, and is hoping it will just get better on its own. There was a big pool party last night at the home of someone I have never met, so although I was invited by friends, I didn't go. It's just a rule I have. I have to be invited by the person hosting the party. I don't just show up.

When I found out Sexual Chocolate wasn't going to the party either, I made a batch of mac and cheese and sausages wrapped in cresent rolls and took them over to him. We sat on his sofa and watched a Harry Potter movie on network TV. It was a quiet evening. SC tells me that he and TNF have not had ANY sexual encounters. They are just drinking buddies now. No one thought to call me, because everyone knows I don't drink (much).

SC tried to seduce me as we sat there last night, which was actually funny with him being a gimp right now and all. I pushed him away and we laughed each time he came at me. I tried, once again, to tell SC that I'm not comfortable being a bottom. He's not buying it.

I'm not sure I'm ever going to fit in. This is WAY too hard for me to figure out.

2008-04-06T13:02:00.002-05:00

Sunday MopUp 04/06/08

Friday Night Lights

Wow! What an incredible Friday night I just had! I put in a full day at the office, and then arranged a little get together with 5 friends at a favorite pizzeria that I used to frequent regularly. I've been unable to go back to this place since my liquid diet, and following the lap-band surgery, so I took advantage of being in the small window of opportunity before I get the band filled on Thursday, and invited some friends to check the place out. Everyone seemed to agree that the pizza is awesome, and I really enjoyed the company of these guys, some of whom I have not had any contact with in months and months. I hope they enjoyed themselves as well, and that we can find ways of socializing more in the future. It's kind of up to them; I'm certainly eager to rekindle the friendship.

After the Starchfest, three of us went to the movies. Finally saw "21", and was a tad bit disappointed. Kevin Spacey was the producer, as well as a star in this. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't a bad movie, it just was a bit formulaic and superficial. There were some soundtrack surprises in it, though. An LCD Soundsystem track in the middle of the movie, and a killer remix of "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by Soulwax during the end credits really rocked. Is Kevin Spacey gay? My gaydar always goes off when he is on screen.

After the movie, the three of us dropped in at the local gay bear/leather bar in town. As the designated driver, I didn't drink. Lots of hot guys, but also lots of fem twinks sporting moustaches and boots trying to look butch. When did being a "bear" turn into a costume change?

I happened upon a few instances of sex occurring in dark corners and it made me laugh. As a counterculture, we have our priorities, huh?

I was able to spend some time with a new friend and am hoping that we get to know each other better. Really sweet man. I am happy to report that I did not try to lure him home, but it was a real inner battle to keep from doing so. I am interested in making friends, not hooking up. I kept repeating this to myself as we talked (and necked).

I didn't get home until nearly 4AM. I slept until 1PM Saturday afternoon. Jimmy can't party like a Rockstar anymore.

Volleyball

Sexual Chocolate is playing in a volleyball tournament at another gay/lesbian bar up the street today. I'm leaving here in just a few minutes to join a friend there and watch a group of gay men get their asses handed to them by a group of lesbians. We'll have a few beers and laugh like schoolgirls and root for anyone and everyone. It's beautiful weather outside today. This will be a blast.

2008-03-30T15:13:00.003-05:00

Sunday MopUp 03/30/08

As I sit here, Texas is getting the snot beat out of them in the NCAA tournament. I've got a date tonight, and I'm playing Susie Hairy Homemaker while I throw together a post and call it my Sunday MopUp. Feel free to dust while you read.

The Date

...is with Sexual Chocolate. I love this guy, but I've been keeping him at arm's length as of late. And he has called me on it. I was supposed to see him last night, and I cancelled on him. It hasn't been the first time. He reminded me that what I was doing was "lame". I've gotta agree. I think we'll see a movie tonight, I'd like to see "21". Not much else out there, movie-wise.

I KNOW what my hesitancy is about, by the way. This is about my realization that being a bottom doesn't really work for me. And SC is a hardcore top. I'm afraid that if I turn him down, I'll lose a friend. I've been losing friends lately, and it doesn't make me feel good. Ya know?

Oh, remember the hot sex I had with the guy who turned out to be a powerbottom? Not a word from him. Nothing. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

[heavy sigh]

Called My Mother

this weekend. She kept me on the phone for two solid hours, and I don't think I got a word in edgewise. She's lonely. It's still freezing in Michigan. She has been depressed lately. So, I let her talk. And talk. I hope it helped. My ear is still sore.

The Antique Mantle Clock

My older sister, Rebel, was a collector. She spent weekends searching for shit at local flea markets, and was quite good at spotting, and buying, neat stuff. Stuff I would never spend a penny on, by the way.

Well, when I moved into this townhouse 8 years ago, she gave me a mantle clock. I dont have a mantle to put it on, but that didn't matter. It is a wind-up chime time piece and it is an antique. Along with the clock came they key that you use to wind it. Rebecca made it a point to tell me not to lose the key.

I lost it within a month.

I never told her this, and she would ask me on the phone, now and then, if I still enjoyed the clock. I assured her that I did, although all it was doing was sitting silently on my china buffet in the livingroom. It hasn't ticked, let alone chimed, in years and years.

And now my older sister is gone.

Well, I recently found the key, stuffed at the back of a drawer in my rolltop desk. I wound the clock back up, and it is ticking and chiming right along now. And, with every BONG I hear in the middle of the night, I think of my sister. I think she'd be pleased that the clock is functioning again.

I miss her. That clock is very important to me now.

Ummm...I'm gonna go now. I appreciate that you looked in on me. Hope you are well.

2008-03-23T16:11:00.004-05:00

Sunday MopUp 03/23/08

For the love of God! It's after 4PM and I have not even STARTED thinking about what crap to re-hash here on my semi-regular news roundup that I have the arrogance to refer to as my "Sunday MopUp". Stand by, and let's see what I pull outta my ass, 'k?

Food, Glorious Food!

As of last Friday, I am allowed to have solid food again. Well, truth be told, I have had little bits and pieces of things prior to that date, but Friday was the day I could eat and not feel like I was disobeying the Doctor. I took the day off from work on Friday (no, not to EAT! ...to celebrate the First Day Of Spring, ya smartasses!) and had a great day. I ran to the track and lost some serious money, I went to the clothes store and fantasized about being able, one day, to wear clothes several sizes smaller than I currently am, and I stopped at a little Mom & Pop diner for lunch.

I'm ALL ABOUT little, non-chained restaurants. Owner operated little places are the only place to find real food, in my humble opinion. Ritzy steakhouses may be my exception to my rule.

I ordered a chopped steak with mushrooms and cheese, a side of green beans, and a side of carrots. Jesus, there was food everywhere! Must have taken me 45 minutes to eat, and I still left stuff on my plate. It was okay, but it wasn't what I was searching for.

Here's the main thing: I realized that what I was REALLY missing wasn't the "eating" as much as the "cooking". In bed that night, I made a grocery list (cuz, dudes, there was NOTHING in my kitchen to eat) and began the plans to cook for myself Saturday.

On Saturday, I blasted to the store and was drunk with power as I wandered the aisles, realizing that grocery shopping is really kinda cool. All the choices, all the options. YAY! And, is it me, or have food costs really gone up in the mere six weeks since I last bought anything? Fuckaroo!

Returning home, I got right to work. I made a casserole, so that I could eat off of it all week long. It was a chicken and rice dish, spiced up with southwestern flavors. Fresh mushrooms and onions were cooked in a mushroom sauce that also had diced tomatoes and mild green chilis in it. In the casserole dish, I put the rice on the bottom, then a layer of Mexican corn (sweet corn with red and green peppers in it), and arranged the boneless, skinless white and dark chicken pieces, which were seasoned and browned with salt, pepper, garlic, paprika, and cumin over that, and then poured the sauce over everything and baked for 45 minutes. Oh, did I mention that there was a layer of cheese on top of that? Yes. I know. I'm a pig.

Now, when I had a little dish of THIS that night, I was in HEAVEN! I had better like it, because I made enough to feed an army. I can't eat much at any given time, my stomach just aches and I know it is time to stop, But I am LOVING that the portions it takes to fill me up are so small - and I haven't even had the band "filled" yet. Once that happens (April 10th) I will not be able to eat more than a half a cup of anything, lest I barf it all up. Exciting, no? You KNOW I was dying to get gross for a second...

I also purchased a bag of salad and a beautiful piece of salmon for later in the week when the sight of that casserole makes me gag.

Oh, by the way, for those of you out there that care about calories and sugar an' stuff: have you found the Slim-a-Bear (no kidding!) ice cream bars in the grocery freezer? Yup, they are made by the Klondike ice cream people, and these ice cream bars are only 100 calories, and there is no sugar added. Does it taste like Haagan -Daz? Ummm...hell, no. Is it a good substitute when you are jonesing for an ice cream fix? Holy Fuck, YES! Check them out and thank me (blowjobs accepted) later!

2008-03-22T20:46:00.002-05:00

What The Buck?!?

This guy cracks me up. This isn't an example of his best work, but it's his latest show, and I just wanted to share with ya. Cuz I love ya an' shit.

He used to have a public access show, and has moved onto YouTube. I'm gonna post a link to his website over on my blogroll. He posts a new "show" every week, and his energy level and goofy, gross sense of humor is right up my alley. Everyone can check this out, except Dick Small because his Commodore64 can't handle video. Sorry, Dick.

2008-03-16T12:01:00.003-05:00

Sunday MopUp 03/16/08

Hi, come on in! My name is Jim and this here is a little thing I do on Sundays (my favorite day of the week, by the way) where I sit down and try to catch up on the various mundane things in my world in a blog post, whilst I pick up the house and guzzle coffee and catch such a caffeine buzz that my nipples start to spin by the end of it all. I call it my Sunday MopUp. You will probably call it a waste of time. You wouldn't be the first.

Speaking Of Coffee

I bought some VERY pricey whole beans off of the Internet a while back. Was my first foray into the world of "premium coffees". Bought a half pound of Jamaican Blue Mountain and a half pound of Hawaiian Kona beans, just on a lark.

Well, I'm friggin' HOOKED! Both were VERY tasty, but the JBM was super smooth and delicious and I decided that I was now a Coffee Snob and could not settle for anything less.

The only problem was the price this Internet service wanted for the goods. I mean fuck!

So I went out on Friday night to the local fru-fru, upscale grocery store (where I go to buy steak, cuz their butcher shop is simply amazing (ribeyes @ 17.99 a lb) (hey, are parentheses inside parentheses allowed?)!)(what the hell, now I'm just being stupid), and I found some Jamaican beans - not a BLEND, mind you! - for about half of what I paid on the Internet. I rock. Yes, I do.

Now, lest you think I found some kinda bargain, think again. This shit is ridiculously over-priced, it's like legalized crack or something, but I am going to stick with it for a while. I need a good kick in the fanny in the mornings to get my motor running, and it is really a wonderful surprise to find stuff that doesn't taste of battery acid.

And, having said that, my first cup is history and I need a refill. Be right back...

A Fucking Miracle

[note: I need to place a Disclaimer up front on this one, because I'm about to talk about homosexual sex acts, and I don't want anyone to feel I have offended them or grossed them out, without any warning. Dear Heteros: what I'm going to post here in a second may be considered offensive or gross. Sorry. My blog, my rules. If the idea of two men having sex together is offensive to you...umm...what the fuck are you doing HERE? and please feel free to skip over this next part.]

So, I've been writing quite a lot about my weight issues, and that I've had a laproscopic surgery to help me drop weight, right? I have also written about the trouble I have had trying to determine how I fit into the sexual dynamics, or roles, in gay sex. To summarize: when it comes to anal sex, I have been trying to be a "bottom", or "the fuckee"(you know, the guy GETTING fucked), and it hasn't been easy or, for that matter, very satisfying for me. See, I've been trying this because, due to my weight, being a "top" or "the fucker" (you know, the guy DOING the fucking to the guy GETTING fucked) has been...problematic. A fat guy, even with adequate endowment, loses a lot of his cock into his abdomen, thanks to the extra size he carries.

For the record, I'd just like to say that I'm not a big fan of Butt Sex anyway. I'm an oral guy. But, I am trying here to have a full and varied Life Experience, and since "Are you a top or a bottom?" is one of the first questions asked in gay bars when you meet someone, I think I should know the answer.

If you are feeling squeamish about all this, just bail out now. It only gets worse.

Moving on, then...

So, yesterday I had a date! Yes, I have been talking to a very cute guy online for several months now, and we finally met yesterday. This guy is smokin' hot (to me)! He's kinda short, maybe 5'8", with broad shoulders, a shaved head, and a beefy, solid butt. I LOVE chunky guys. He is younger (early 30s) which I'm not crazy about. I'm more comfortable with guys closer to my age, but I was pleased that we got along so well. We met for coffee, went to the park and wandered around a bit, and then came back to my place. The sexual tension was evident, and this was plenty of foreplay for two horny homos.

Now, as we had been talking online, he told me that he was "versatile", meaning that he was as open to being a "top" as he was to being a "bottom". When I explained that I was actually just orally inclined, he said he really was as well. This made me much less worried about meeting him. I can't tell you what a disaster it is when I am confronted with a demanding bottom who only wants to get plowed. There are many of these type out in the world, and I do my best to avoid them.

When we get to my place I offer him a beer and he is all over me. I love aggressive, confident guys! We fumble to the bedroom and clothes are flying. I'm happy to report that when he pulled his dick out, I was startled and a little worried. I determined that I was going to keep that thing down my throat as much as possible until he came, because I certainly didn't want him reaching for my ass with it. Not gonna happen.

So, I throw him back on the bed and proceed to get to work. By the way, seeing him fully naked was amazing. Football build. Full pecs and a tiny little gut. Just enough of a pooch to call it a belly. His ass was all muscle and I had a cheek in each hand as I buried my face into his crotch, pulling him into my mouth. It wasn't long before he flipped me over, and it was my turn to be on my back. He was straddling my chest, his face in between my legs and his ass, perfect as it was, in my face. I reached up and rubbed, with wet fingers, into his ass crack.

Then BOOM! It happened.

The dude kicked into overdrive. He moaned. He groaned. He bucked like a fucking stallion. Touching him there absolutely unleashed a wild man. He rubbed that perfect butt all OVER my chest and my face. Seriously. It became an entity all unto itself.

Versatile? Since fucking when? This guy was 100% bottom, and I was in TROUBLE!

But, I was really turned on. He was very sexy, and a very generous lover. I believe while this was happening, he had not only my entire package, but both my legs down his throat!

He jumps off of me, grabs his jeans, and pulls out a condom.

"I want you to fuck me!" he says.

Look, I didn't have time to even respond. The rubber was out, slapped on my cock, and he was positioning himself over me by the time I could even say "Well, I don't really know if this is gonna work. Maybe we should slow down. See, I have really bad luck when it comes to fuc..."

...and, Ladies and Gentlemen, just like that, he was on me and I was IN him and we were fucking!

You know that episode of Oprah where Dr. Oz tells the audience that dropping just 35 pounds can add an inch of penis size?

Yup. I've dropped 50 so far and I'm telling you that it's true, because I have more than that added on now! It reminded me of my heterosexual days. The great sex I had with my girlfriends really WAS great sex back then! The warmth, the wetness, the feeling of the grip around my shaft as I pump, this is what sex IS for me!

We worked it, kids. It was a Butt Sex Jamboree! And here's the big revelation: I was pretty good at it! Turns out, I sucked at being a bottom, because I'VE BEEN A TOP ALL ALONG! Hallelujah, jimmy got his cock back!

...well, I still prefer oral, but...you know...

So, this guy was all complimentary afterwards and I was so freaking proud of myself that I asked if we could see each other again. He said he'd like that and that I could fuck him any time. We'll see. He has my phone number. I hope he calls. I have my doubts. He bolted pretty fast after the sex. I don't want to be a booty call.

Hey, hook-ups happen. Even to fat guys.

Okay, enough of that. Just had to share what was a pretty major realization for me. Thanks for following along, if ya did.

Video Bonus!

I found this over at Joe.My.God (perhaps the coolest gay blog ever)! This clip is an animated representation of global warfare from WWII to the present, using food as representations of countries and weaponry. It's fast moving, but very clever.

If you need a list of what food represents what country, there is a list here.

2008-03-13T18:44:00.004-05:00

I'm Really Pretty Tired

Hi, sweet people! I'm back in the door from my follow-up visit to the surgeon in Houston. All went very well. Well, the trip always kicks my ass, but three hours to get there and three hours to get back SHOULD kick my ass, right?

Dropped another three pounds in six days. Good! I have to remain on liquids only for another week, when I can graduate to pureed soft foods, and then eventually real food. Blecch! Yeah, I'll survive. I just like to whine.

Now, today was just to see how I was doing after the surgery. Have I been puking? Am I sore? Am I still gay?....that kinda thing. The big drag is that I must return four weeks from today to get my first "FILL". This is where they inject saline into the band via a port in my abdomen and through a tube that is connected with the band to make the bladder on the inside of the band expand, creating the small hole that will hold the food I consume going forward in the new "pouch" that the band created. Do you follow that? I swear, I am shit at explaining things.

THAT'S when things get interesting for me. By interesting, I guess I mean complicated. I'll explain more later. I'm pooped.

SO pooped, in fact, that the following happened while on the road back from Houston:

I'm driving along, listening to talk radio and kinda zoning out. Suddenly, I realize the car ahead of me has a bumpersticker on the back that reads this:

BOYSCOUT VEAL

Now, I've seen some pretty whacky bumperstickers in my day, but this one made me scratch my head. What the hell does THAT mean? Are the Boy Scouts starting a new program of selling meat in order to raise money for their organization? If so, that's a pretty weird fucking thing to do, if ya ask me. I blinked my eyes and tailgated the car a bit to get closer. In between the two words of the two word sticker there was a little picture of a calf's face.

If it was a joke it wasn't even funny, I decided.

I then wondered if this was some new marketing strategy of NAMBLA, which thoroughly creeped me out. Surely no one would put such a thing on a bumpersticker!

By about this time, the car the sticker was on got annoyed that I was driving up its butt, and started to slow down. Last thing I want to to piss off a pedophile out in the middle of BFE, so I pulled into the next lane in order to pass and ponder this weird freaking slogan.

As I was passing, I shot one last look at the sticker.

BOYCOTT VEAL

Oh! Okay! I get it now! Thank God!

I was really tired.

p.s. - veal is gross. I don't eat the stuff, either.

2008-03-11T21:47:00.003-05:00

Glad To See I'm Not The Only One Sick Of Jared

2008-03-10T14:57:00.002-05:00

...And No One Seems To Be Bitching?!?

updated 7:36 p.m. CT, Sun., March. 9, 2008

NEW YORK - U.S. average retail gasoline prices have reached a new high of almost $3.20 per gallon and will likely jump another 20 to 30 cents in the next month, worsening the pain of consumers struggling to make ends meet in an economic downturn.
Gasoline prices are rising sharply as refiners, who have kept prices down in order to compete for sales, become more willing to pass on their higher costs of crude oil, according to an industry analyst on Sunday.
The national average for self-serve regular unleaded gas was nearly $3.20 a gallon on March 7, up about 9.44 cents per gallon in the past two weeks, according to the nationwide Lundberg survey of about 7,000 gas stations. The price has risen 64 cents per gallon in the past 12 months.

What was Exxon's profit last year? Why are we allowing this kinda price gouging to happen? You'd think even STRAIGHT America has learned to like taking it up the ass...

2008-03-09T13:00:00.003-05:00

Sunday MopUp 03/09/08

Whoa, here I am, with a shaved belly and suture thread hanging off of me, all post-op an' shit! Welcome to my sorta-regularly featured Sunday MopUp, where I usually sit back with a fresh cup of coffee or four and spout off about my previous week, while I bounce around the house doing various cleaning chores in between. Today, there will be no caffeine or bouncing around because I am still fairly fragile feeling, and just the IDEA of coffee makes me feel a little queasy, so I'm gonna pass on it.

Houston Bound

My buddy, Sexual Chocolate, and I left for Houston Thursday evening just after 6PM. He agreed to drive me there and back. What I didn't expect was the ribbing I took for owning a Ford F-150. Why do people hate Fords so much? I love my truck. I have driven Fords for years, and they have always been reliable. I don't get it.

When we hit Houston, we found a BBQ place for dinner. I had a quarter pound of brisket and a quarter pound (count em: 2!) of pork ribs. It was The Last Supper for me. No sides or anything, just the meat. It was very tasty stuff.

We checked into the Homestead Suites, where we shared a queen-sized bed and two of the flattest freaking pillows known to man. We weren't very comfortable. 'Round about midnight, I started to panic a little bit about the inevitability of it all. SC tried to comfort me. He gave me a back rub. He rubbed on my butt. He's a horn dawg, but was on his best behavior.

The Day Of Surgery

We were up at 7AM, since I had to check in by 9AM. We were checked in by a quarter to 9 and sat in the room until nearly 10 before I insisted that SC take off and have a day of his own. He swapped phone numbers with the Nurse's Station and was gone, which was what I wanted. I wanted to be alone. This was all about me, and I didn't want to have to worry about how anyone else was doing. It's just how I am built. I get all introverted.

My surgery was scheduled for 11AM, but by then, I hadn't even made it to Pre-Op. I finally went into Pre-Op at about noon. I met all sorts of administrative types who made me sign a buttload of papers. It took three different nurses about 30 minutes to finally get an iv into me. I had no veins, it seemed.

A whole crew of doctor types came by to meet me. Everyone asked the same friggin' questions. Allergies? Previous surgeries? Fake teeth? I was becoming annoyed. My surgeon showed up and asked me, since it was so late in the day, if I would like to spend the night in the hospital, rather than being discharged right away. I hemmed and hawed, and he said we could talk about it later.

At around 2:30PM, I finally got rolled into the OR. I huffed some pure oxygen, and they hit me with the juice. I was out instantly.

When I woke up, I was in Post-Op. It was around 5PM and I was whisked away to a private room. So much for the discussion about staying, I simply was. No biggie. This way, Sexual Chocolate had the suite to himself, out there in the real world. Had to be easier on him as well.

(Found out later that he used the night to go check out a gay bar in Houston called "Ripcord". Says he didn't get laid. Yeah, whatever. Heh.)

I slept. When I awoke here and there, I was surprised at my lack of pain. Really. The nurse made me get out of bed at 10PM and walk around the main hallway of the floor. Two laps. I was a little unsteady at first, but was chugging right along by the end.

The Next Day

I was checked on every two hours all night long. I think it's a little sadistic to do this to people who are trying to recover from a surgery.

At 4AM, I was roused to walk some more. I blasted down the hall at almost a gallop. I was angry that they woke me up again. I'm a heavy sleeper and don't wake up all sweetness and light, okay?

At 8AM I wanted to get the hell out. I contacted SC and told him to pack our crap from the motel room, pay the chickiepoo at the front desk and haul ass over to the hospital. Of course, I couldn't be discharged until I saw the doctor.

The surgeon dropped by at 9AM. He looked at my wounds and congratulated me on a smooth and successful surgery. I was instructed to call his office on Monday to make a follow-up appointment, given a shotglass from which to drink for the next week (no more clear fluids than 2 ounces an hour!) and told to scram.

We bolted. Was back in Austin by 1PM and I could not crawl into bed fast enough. CS unpacked the truck and asked what else he could do. I sent him home. I wanted to sleep. By myself.

I've been sleeping ever since.

I'm not in any kind of real pain, although my stomach DOES feel constricted. Like how you'd feel several days after being punched in the gut.

I have no appetite. I'm sipping on the chocolate protein drinks I have stockpiled from the weight loss program, and will live on them until I'm told I can advance to pureed foods. The process of re-feeding will take weeks.

Also, Although the band is in and ON, it hasn't yet been filled with saline to create the small hole at the base of the new "pouch" at the top of my stomach. That "fill" will happen in about 4 weeks. I'm sure I'll give you all the gruesome details as they develop.

Well, this wasn't all that entertaining, but I just wanted to give ya a blow-by-blow of the process. I'll try to be funny or interesting later.

2008-03-08T14:13:00.002-06:00

I DID IT!

Hi, kids! Just checking in, as I have just returned from Houston where I had the lap-band yesterday. Just yesterday, and I am up and moving around, and feeling good, and SO DANG GLAD that the operation part is over! YAY!

My sexy black buddy, "Sexual Chocolate", went with and drove me home today. I owe him big-time.

I'm fairly exhausted, was up at 4am today, so I'm going to keep this short and simple. I'll post a MopUp tomorrw and give you a few details.

Big Love and Willing Genitals,
jim

2008-03-02T10:26:00.002-06:00

Sunday MopUp 03/02/08

Oops, I Did It Again!

Yep, managed to piss off people I actually love and cherish by thinking that my sense of humor is understood and accepted.

Bull in a china shop, I am.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, my friends.

The post has been removed.

Bought A Clothes Dryer

...at a FLEA MARKET yesterday! I was a flea market virgin until that point. I paid $130.00 for a used but very clean and in good condition Kenmore electric dryer. I'm doing laundry as I sit here, and that puppy is cranking out the heat. Maybe it's the "gay gene" thing, but when I was unable to do laundry for three days when my old dryer crapped out on me earlier in the week, I went into panic mode. Gotta have access to clean clothes. It's just the law.

The Time Is At Hand

Short week for me at work this week. I need to cram 10 days of work into three days, as I will be out of the office from Thursday March 6th, until Monday, March 17th. I'm excited and starting get a wee bit scared of the approaching surgery. It's cool. I'm a worrier.

...

Try as I might, my heart just isn't into this (blogging) right now. I'm bummed that I have upset a friend, and I think I just need to think about the consequences of my actions.

I'll check back in before I head to Houston on Thursday.